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The Middle East's Leading English Language Daily
Friday 22 February 2008 (15 Safar 1429)
Treating All Wives Equally
Adil Salahi, Arab News -
It is well known that the Prophet (peace be upon him) married
several women. Three of his wives, Khadeejah, Zaynab bint Khuzaymah and
Rayhanah, died during his lifetime, but all the others survived him. He lived
with Khadeejah, his first wife, for 25 years without ever thinking of marrying
another woman. She died before his immigration to Madinah. The next woman he
married was Sawdah. He needed a woman to keep him company and comfort him when
he returned home after a long day advocating his message, faced with all kinds
of opposition, from harsh rejection to ridicule. He was 51 when he married
Sawdah, and she was close to his age.
He married Ayesha a year after he settled in Madinah, or even
later. He was 54 then. His other marriages followed in quick succession, as and
when the occasion arose. The last of his marriages was in year 7 of the Islamic
calendar, only six years after his marriage to Ayesha. Each marriage had a
reason: some political, some social and others religious. Some of his wives
were mature like Sawdah, Umm Salamah and Umm Habeebah. Others were young, like
Ayesha, Hafsah and Safiyyah. Some were pretty, like Ayesha, Juwayriyyah and
Safiyyah. Yet age and beauty were of no concern to him when he married these
women. There was always an overriding reason, which was important in building
the new nation that Islam brought into existence. We may discuss these reasons
in the future, but for now we need to look at the interrelation between these
wives in the Prophet's home.
Jealousy may be acute when two or more women compete for a
man's attention. Should they be married to him, their jealousy is even stronger
because they recognize that they all have their legitimate claims that cannot
be ignored unless divorce breaks that relationship. The Prophet's wives were
ordinary women who realized that they were married to the most exemplary man in
character, manners and role. They recognized his loving, caring nature, and
each wanted more. Hence, they were all jealous of each other.
Islam requires every man who is married to more than one wife
to treat his wives absolutely equally. He cannot favor any one of them with
special treatment, because they have the same claims and the same rights.
Needless to say that this does not apply to his feelings, because these are
beyond any person's control. In material and personal treatment, however, wives
must be given the same rights. The Prophet loved Ayesha most, but he never
favored her with anything that he did not extend to every one of his other
wives. He prayed: "My Lord! This is how I have divided things that are within
my control. Please forgive me what is beyond my control."
Ayesha was pretty, very intelligent and a woman with assured
character. And she was young, but she was not nine years of age at the time of
her marriage, as the common notion goes. She was about 18, or even older,
according to better and weightier evidence. Realizing that she had a special
position in the Prophet's heart, she tried to consolidate her position. She
said once to the Prophet: "Messenger of God! If you were to stop at a valley
where there are two trees: one has had much of its fruit eaten by others, and
one still has its full load: from which would you eat?" The Prophet said that
he would eat from the one bearing its full load. She said: "That is me!"
(Related by Al-Bukhari). In this she was alluding to the fact that she was the
only woman who was a virgin and had not been married to another man before
marrying the Prophet.
The Prophet understood her meaning, but did not allow her to
go beyond that. Hence, she repeated this, speaking clearly without analogies or
figures of speech. She said to him: "Messenger of God! I am unlike your other
wives. Each one of them had her former husband, except me." The Prophet only
smiled and did not reply. He, however, went on maintaining absolute equality
between all his wives.
A most important aspect of fair treatment of one's wives is
how a husband divides his nights between them. The Prophet used to drop at each
of his wives' homes every afternoon, inquiring how they were and whether they
needed anything. He would stay the night at the home of the one whose turn it
was to receive him. Normally, he would give each one night at a time,
maintaining a strict order so that none of them would feel neglected or
favored. However, when the Prophet married Umm Salamah, he offered her a choice
on her wedding night. He told her: "If you wish, I can stay with you seven
nights, and then I stay with each one of my wives seven nights. On the other
hand, you may choose that I stay with you three nights, and then do my turn."
She said: "Stay three night, and do your turn."
This is what a new wife was offered on her wedding night:
absolute fairness with others. There was no favoritism on account of her being
the new one. The only favor is the choice of having the Prophet's stay with her
extended to seven nights, but then he would stay the same number of nights with
each of the others, which would make his absence from her longer. Umm Salamah
was to be known for her good thinking and reasoned choices. She chose a middle
course: having the Prophet staying with her for three nights before doing his
round, giving each of his other wives three nights.
This sets the proper choice available for a man who is
married to more than one wife. He may decide to stay up to three nights with
each in turn, if this suits him. If he wants to stay longer with each every
time, as in the case when they live far apart, or perhaps in different towns,
he has to have their consent to the arrangement. If they prefer a longer stay
each time, they may make their arrangements in full agreement by every one of
them. However, fairness is a condition of any such arrangement.
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