7. NURTURE YOUR CHILD'S SELF-CONFIDENCE
The growing person with a positive self-image is
easier to discipline. She thinks of herself as a
worthwhile person, and so she behaves in a worthwhile
way. She is able to forgo some willful misbehavior to
maintain this feeling of well-being. When this child
does misbehave, she returns more quickly to the right
path, with less need for punishment.
Not so the child with poor self-image. The child who
doesn't feel right doesn't act right. His parents
don't trust him, so he can't trust himself. No one
expects him to behave well, so he doesn't. The bad
behavior cycle begins: the more misbehavior, the more
punishment, which intensifies the child's anger and
lowers the child's self-esteem, producing more bad
behavior. This is why our approach to discipline
focuses primarily on promoting inner well-being in the
child from the beginning. Throughout life your child
will be exposed to people and events that contribute
to his self-worth and to others that chip away at it.
We call these builders and breakers. We will help you
to set the conditions that expose your child to many
more builders than breakers, and, of course, to be a
builder yourself.
8. SHAPE YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR
A wise parent is like a gardener who works with what
he has in his garden and also decides what he wants to
add. He realizes he cannot control the characteristics
of the flowers, when they bloom, their scent and
color; but he can add those colors that are missing in
his garden, and he can shape it to be more beautiful.
There are flowers and weeds in every child's behavior.
Sometimes flowers bloom so beautifully that you don't
even notice the weeds; other times the weeds overtake
the flowers. The gardener waters the flowers, stakes
the plants to help them grow straight, prunes them for
maximum bloom, and keeps the weeds in check.
Children are born with some behavioral traits that
either flourish or are weeded out, depending on how
the children are nurtured. other traits are planted
and vigorously encouraged to grow. Taken altogether,
these traits make up the child's eventual personality.
Your gardening tools as a parent are techniques we
call shapers, time-tested ways to improve your child's
behavior in everyday situations. These shapers help
you weed out those behaviors that slow your child down
and nurture those qualities that help him mature.
Most shaping of a child's behavior is a when-then
reaction. (When Billy's room is a mess, Mom says "No
more playing outside until it's cleaned up.")
Eventually, the child internalizes these shapers,
developing his own inner systems of when-then, and in
so doing learns to take responsibility for the
consequences of his actions. ("When my room is a mess,
it's no fun to play there, so I better clean it up.")
He learns to shape his own behavior.
At each stage of development, your shaping tools
change, depending on the needs of your little garden.
In the discipline section of this site, we give you
gardening tips to help you confidently shape your
child's behavior and make his personality work to his
advantage, so he will be a more likable person who
contributes to the garden of life.
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