Susan,
Thanks for reminding me of this, I found it in my Berner-L index under humor
- thanks to Hugh who has the digests online temporarily!!
Pat
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Date: Fri, 16 Feb 1996 13:50:29 -0700 (MST)
From: Steve M Dudley
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: Humor interlude!
HOW TO SPEND A TWO-DOG NIGHT
BY
BEV RYBA
I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For
the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat,
although I urge beginners to leave the cat out. To achieve any sort of
success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being
that you must have a king-sized bed. There is no point in lying down in
anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not important
(people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over everybody
collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for
example, are lumpier. I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we
shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is
LEVERAGE. All dogs spend the night pressed tightly against their human
bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part,
an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie Principle". It is also to create
leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in
place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top
of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the
tip: When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE
OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER
HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs
together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE
THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for
those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of
the night. NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES' A dog's favorite
place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once
settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way
out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides). Dogs who
prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT OF
THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you
sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for
a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both
dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you. When you
are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to sleep
in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG. (Remember, you
have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE! Do this by
assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three
more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your
front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at
the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep
soundly. This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method
that deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the
problem of pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various
animals needs to be solved.
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