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Subject: Airline Humour!
Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight?
Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase"
of a memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants.
In his own words....
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,
and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had
the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"
(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.)
So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what
she said so I wouldn't forget.
I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438
to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're
in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard
this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings,
and 1 out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad
idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the
need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did.
We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the
direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows,
and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and
mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate,
but there's oxygen there, promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.
If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment
now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then
work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my
own personal summer. It makes a very good fan.
It also has pretty pictures.
Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat
belts are fastened low and tight about your waist.
To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle.
To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your
car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight.
There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke
coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire
and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each
wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking
sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ...
Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to
get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be
a good time to reach up and press the yellow button.
The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press
the orange button unless you absolutely have to.
The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight.
Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business
and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more
comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.
Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the
copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because
"shift happens."
-Ben
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