-Caveat Lector- an excerpt from: Ritual Abuse Margaret Smith©1993 HarperCollins Publishers 10 East 53rd Street New York, NY 10022 ISBN 0-06-250214-X 213pps — out-of-print --[5]-- Chapter 5 The Abusers Most people don't understand the all-encompassing cycle of ritual abuse. They think that getting away from the cults is as simple as making the choice to leave. I know better Everyone raised in it and entrenched in the way I was knows better If you were raised in a cult, leaving is the most painful and difficult thing you will ever do. Not only does the cult come after you most of the time, but you have to worry about your own personalities beings manipulated and tricked into returning. And the isolation and pain you feel as you leave is unbearable. In order to protect themselves, survivors who were raised in cults have to give up their entire family and all their friends to go into a world that, overall, doesn't believe them or support their life changes in a healing manner The cult I was raised in has a history. People who are in it today are the modern players of a religion that has been passed on for centuries. My abusers were people. They were not monsters, even though what they did to me was monstrous. Sometimes I saw their aching and longing for change. My cult-boss once told me, I know what we are doing is wrong, but we don't know how to stop it." Cult abusers are not there because ritual abuse is fun. Many of them are there because they can see no way out. Many violent cults keep their members by telling them lies that make members feel self-hating and helpless. The lies are difficult to differentiate from truth because the person telling the lies has been brainwashed. Everyone in the cult believes the lies to be truth, and the insanity is passed on from generation to generation as unquestionable wisdom. I support survivors who hate their abusers. I respect survivors who swear to themselves they will never turn out like the people who hurt them. I do not want to deny survivors their right to feel angry. This anger is justified; it is what gives us the power to change. But I also want people to understand that for too many survivors, ritual abuse victimization does not end in childhood. CHILDREN WHO ARE TRAINED TO BE ABUSIVE Cults that ritually abuse children set up situations in which children are forced to molest and sometimes kill other children. Ritually abused children are drugged, lied to, emotionally tormented, and manipulated with threats until they commit the violent acts Children who react to their orders with fear or sorrow are taunted and humiliated by other group members. The children have no physical escape from the room in which the violence occurs. They have no choice but to comply with the demands of their abusers. Ritually abused children in these situations must adapt. They stop feeling their initial emotions of fear and grief and replace these appropriate emotions with behavior modeled by their abusers. They learn to laugh at victims who writhe in pain. They make fun of people who are crying or afraid. They adopt the belief systems of their abusers in order to avoid more pain. These children are not bad. They are not evil. They are in a situation that they cannot change, and they do whatever they have to in order to survive. If the children continue to be exposed to the cult environment, they grow up to act abusively in cults. Because they were raised in cults where they were forced to abuse others, these trained abusers' minds are no longer their own. Even though they abuse children in rituals-with no visible coercion-they are still controlled by the cult. All the years of torture, training, and manipulation are the unseen coercion that makes adult cult members feel helpless to change. Here is one personality's memory of the process: I never abused animals or children outside of the cult experience. Most of my rage and hatred was vented on the men I dated. I would fantasize about killing them, but I never acted violently. I was afraid of being thrown in jail. I was afraid of people hating me. My cult deliberately programmed me never to be violent outside of the cult experience. This kept me from giving away any secrets about the cult. It made me able to hold respectable roles in the community. I never remembered the ritual abuse in my daily life. If the cult wanted to talk to me, they had to access me using triggers to speak to my cult personalities. I was primarily involved in cult activities that took place in the middle of the night. Getting ready for a ritual was like going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I woke up in a seemingly hypnotic state. I wasn't excited. I didn't feel anything. I was a zombie acting on orders. Once I arrived at a ritual, I felt at home. I felt a final sense of relief and belonging, that I no longer had to hide anything or pretend I was something I was not. it felt great to finally be in my cult personalities, and I didn't have to worry about censoring their thoughts and feelings. Talking to my cult friends before ritual was often a very enjoyable experience. The rituals themselves varied a great deal. Usually, we just waited for orders about what ritual we were going to perform that evening. Those in charge told us to change into costumes and to put on our makeup. Sometimes we performed skits. Other times we did elaborate ceremonies to celebrate holidays. Sometimes we singled out a member for torture and programming. Everything seemed planned and organized, as if there were some script somewhere that we had to follow. The ritual itself was extremely emotional. People cried, screamed, or laughed. Sometimes rituals were based on fertility and love. In these rituals, there was no violence. We watched two people who seemed to be truly in love court one another. At other times, we watched the same two people torture and betray each other. Rituals always seemed to end in pain and betrayal. It was peoples nightmares coming true. After the ritual was cleanup. They taught us to be immaculate. As a child, I had to scrub the blood off the floor in the bathroom for hours even after there was not a trace of anything left. They had me scrape under my fingernails. Cleanup was the most painful part of the ritual for me. After I was cleaned up, I went home and crawled back into bed. Usually, I was only gone for two or three hours, from around 1 A.M. to 4 A.M. I always wondered why I needed ten to twelve hours of sleep a night. Now that I am out of the cult, I get by on just eight hours of sleep. ADULTS WHO RITUALLY ABUSE CHILDREN Behavioral geneticists say that our genetic makeup mutually interacts with our experiences to determine our behavior. Some ritual abusers are biologically predisposed toward aggressive behavior; other ritual abusers are genetically timid. But biology is only a fraction of what contributes to human behavior. In the case of ritual abuse, the environment creates abusers. No matter what a persons biological predisposition, the cult forces both adults and children to hurt others. Even adult ritual abusers are victimized by other adults. Adults who do not act abusively during rituals are taunted and humiliated just like children. Adult ritual abusers fall into four primary categories. Some adult abusers are amnesic of their cult involvement. Other adults were indoctrinated into the group by the use of unsavory tactics. The following section describes adult ritual abusers in detail. Adults Raised in Cults and Currently Amnesic It appears that most adults who are in these cults today were raised in them and don't remember having been abused. They dissociated from the ritual abuse when it was happening, developing multiple personalities. As adults, they have personalities who still return to the cult. in their daily lives, however, they are amnesic of their current cult involvement. These survivors are unable to leave the cults because of amnesia. Clearly, if you're not aware of the abuse until it is happening, you cant protect yourself from tactics used by the cult to control your behavior. Most of these adult cult members spent the first eighteen years of their lives being brainwashed by the cults. The cults deliberately attempted to create unconditionally loyal personalities in these survivors in order to control them for the rest of their lives. The group is able to access amnesic survivors by triggering them with information they received under torture. After the survivors are triggered, they have no memory of their behavior. The cults also programmed these survivors to think in self-destructive ways, to believe they are innately defective-misfits in the world. They are programmed to believe the only people who care about them are current cult members. The amnesia they experience in their daily lives, along with this programmed emotional bondage, keeps these members from planning an escape. The amnesic members of cults are extremely traumatized, physically and emotionally. They did whatever they had to do in order to survive. These people had no choice but to conform to the beliefs of the group. Some personalities in their multiple systems have internalized the belief systems of the group. The cult is the home of these personalities, who will do anything to protect their home. They are desperate to justify their cult life, which they feel utterly helpless to change. Adults Raised in Cults and Not Currently Amnesic Some adults who were raised in these cults do remember their childhood ritual abuse and are also aware of their current cult involvement. These cult members are permanently in the cult personalities formed during their own trauma. These survivors are stuck in cults for the same reasons as amnesic survivors, except these people are aware of their dilemma. They are in the cult as a result of their own childhood trauma. They didn't choose to join a group that ritually abuses children. This way of life was forced on them. Although they remember their current cult involvement, they are still multiples who are controlled by intensive programming. Amnesic Adults Who Were Ritually Abused as Children and joined a Violent Group as an Adult The third type of abuser consists of adults who were raised in cults, but don't remember it. Later in life, they may inadvertently join a group that ritually abuses children. Some adult survivors actively seek out groups that practice violent rituals. Others join secret societies or fraternal organizations for business opportunities and are pulled into a violent cult through the intensive indoctrination procedure. At the beginning of the indoctrination process, new members are taught to tolerate differences in religious beliefs. The new members read about a variety of religious belief systems, which leads them to question their own moral and religious beliefs. At this vulnerable point, cults require members to read about cultures that practiced adult and child sacrifices. Slowly, the members learn a belief system that allows them to justify the use of violence during rituals. As these adult ritual abuse survivors learn about the violent belief system of the group, they resonate with beliefs reminiscent of their own childhood ritual abuse. For the first time in their lives, the deepest trauma in their experience, their own abuse-even though they dont consciously remember it-is finally being talked about and justified on a philosophical level. Next, these new members witness or participate in moderately sexualized, violent rituals. First, they may see an animal sacrificed in a ritual performed by the group. The group justifies the act based on the previously learned philosophies. For example, the group may tell the new member that the animal was not killed, but rather it was sacrificed in order to teach all the members of the group about the natural process of life and death. Naked women may also be present at the ritual as a symbol of the purity of our natural birth form. After the new member participates in a sexualized, violent ritual and crosses the first line breaking standard morality, the group then has the most effective tactic to keep the person loyal and silent. The group may threaten to tell the new member's family about his or her participation in the violent rituals. Most violent occult groups require members to work through degrees or levels. As they graduate to higher levels, members learn more about the philosophy and the structure of the group as a whole, and rituals become more violent. Eventually, they learn to question every aspect of standard morality, and to accept more justifications for violence and group sexual acts. The more violence the members see in rituals, the more intense are the threats to remain silent. Because these people are aware of their current cult involvement, but unaware of their own ritual abuse history, they are easily manipulated by the cults. They not only feel the guilt and shame for their present behavior, but they also feel an intense unidentified deeper shame that is a result of their own ritual abuse. This shame is what keeps them trapped. Adults Who Were Not Ritually Abused and Who Join Violent Cults The final group is adult cult members who were not ritually abused as children. Some of these people are pulled into violent cults through the intensive indoctrination process described above. Because the systematic violence that occurs in cults would be difficult for anyone who was not extremely dissociative to witness, it is likely that these people must have been exposed to a major trauma at some point in their lives-such as incest or parental abuse-that made them numb and vulnerable to the lure of extreme sexualized violence. EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES OF ABUSERS Ritual abusers themselves have undergone emotional experiences that allow them to act violently and abusively. Commonly, abusers suffer from loss of love, lack of emotion, and numbness. Loss of Love Love allows us to feel compassion and warmth for others. It is the emotion that must be silenced in order to create abusers. Most cult programming is designed to destroy the spontaneity of feeling love for oneself and others. What is so powerful about the experience of love that the cult must destroy it to create abusers? Love is the fullness we feel in our hearts and the warmth that draws us to other people. it is the yearning we feel deep inside that makes us want to be right next to the people who make us feel good inside. Love is about understanding and giving. No love is more powerful than the love we first felt for ourselves. The fullness belonged to us, and anything that threatened to take it away became "bad." Anything that threatened to hurt our hearts, making us feet the less comfortable emotions of anger, fear, and sorrow, became our own inner sense of what was "evil." This fullness was a daily part of our lives as children. Along with the fullness came the intensity of all the other feelings when the fullness was threatened. We felt anger, the love of ourselves that said, "Don't take this feeling of love away!" We felt fear, which said, "my existence is threatened:' and told the body to move and find protection. We felt the sorrow that lets us know something has been lost, that tells us the fullness cannot always be, but we can cry about it and give ourselves room to feel it once again. If we don't feel the anger that says, "Stop!", if we don't feel the fear that says, "Get me out of here!", if we dont feel the sorrow that says, "It won't change. This hurts!", then there is never room for the fullness to return. Children abused in these violent cults are constantly told to not feel. They are taught that love is about betrayal. They are laughed at when they show their affection for others. Most Christian-based cults teach that the only true love is the amorphous, undefined love of God or Jesus. By discounting or not allowing the children to feel the love inside their hearts-and by labeling love as a spiritual concept out of their reach-the children become isolated from the selfprotective power of their own emotions. They are never allowed to feel the fullness that gives all the other emotions room to emerge. Children abused in these cults are not allowed to feel sad. When they cry, others make fun of them. Sorrow is a sign of weakness in the eyes of the abusers. If you show other people that something has hurt you, you are made to feel worse. Ritually abused children are not allowed to feel happy either. The cults tell the children that they have no right to smile when so many people in the world are suffering. For example, during a violent ritual scene, they tell a child who has found a few moments of relief playing in the corner, "How can you smile and laugh when your friend is being tortured?" Children abused in these cults are not allowed to feel fear. The abuse itself initially causes intense fear in the victims. The only way children survive the attacks is to stop the fear from overwhelming them. Children who are abused in these violent cults never feel safe from the abusers. If the children allowed themselves to feel their fear, they would be afraid constantly. Finally, even though the activities of these cults are fueled by anger, children in the cults are taught when to be angry and who to be angry with. Anger is not allowed to be an expression of selfprotection. The cults only allow anger if it is expressed in ways that are socially acceptable to the group. In the cults, anger is the emotion the cults manipulate to force the children to commit acts of violence. For example, after a child expresses anger at the abusers, the cult forces her to vent the rage onto an innocent victim. Because the children are never allowed to feel their true emotions, soon they learn not to feel at all. What they feel inside their hearts becomes silent and numb. Their minds tell them what they feel without any input from their emotions. This leaves the children open to any mental manipulation used by the cult to control their behavior. Lack of Emotion Ritual abuse causes physiological changes in the body that result in a lack of emotional sensation. When children experience no emotions, they are easily manipulated by the controlling adults. Here's a personal reflection from a survivor: I can tell you that I experience feelings from my brain, but I rarely experience feelings inside my body. From my Adam's apple to my navel, I am empty. When I say I am angry, it is a thought in my brain. There is rarely a tightening in my chest or a physical sensation that I identify that goes along with the thought. Only a few times a month do I feel sensations in my chest area, and almost always they are painful feelings of aching or tightening that are short in duration. My inability to feel is the most devastating result of the trauma. I am hollow and empty. As a child, I do remember feelings in my chest area. I can remember aching and hurting so bad, swearing that I would never be hurt like that again. Well, my prayers were answered. I know what it would take to bring feeling back into that area. I can feel sensations start sometimes when I talk about the ritual abuse. It always starts with the most uncomfortable tension and pain, not felt in my chest area, but rather it feels like a huge presence outside of me that is trying to push its way into me. And as it moves in, I get headaches and a dull, poisonous pain in all the cells of my body. The discomfort is unbearable, nothing seems to soothe it, and I still don't feel a solid emotion in my chest that would allow me to relieve the pain by screaming, raging, or crying, If I can wait out the escalating pain and discomfort for days, something that is impossible for me to do when I have to put on a chipper face to go to work, finally emotion emerges in my chest area. Then I feel alive. The process is worth that feeling of life, but the process is also impossible when there is no safety in my life allowing me to experience the first initial sensations of anxiety and discomfort. Without our feelings, we have no reason to wake up in the morning, no reason to deal with any of the injustices that happen to us in the world. Our feelings are what give us the motivation to find happiness and justice. For many people, the emptiness inside makes them feel like they might as well be dead. If nothing felt good, ever, would it be worth it to stay alive and struggle just to survive? Many survivors of ritual abuse face this question every day. Numbness Survivors are triggered by experiences that remind them of the ritual abuse. When this happens, the lack of emotion turns into an uncomfortable numb sensation. Numbness is literally a numb, dead, tingly, sensation that covers unbearable pain. The numb sensation is more uncomfortable than no emotions, driving survivors to try to experience some kind of genuine emotion or physical sensation. it's not surprising that survivors often turn to addictions when the numb sensation emerges. Drugs, overeating, sexual acting-out, and so on temporarily relieve the numbness and return the body to the state of no emotions. At times, such as when a memory of abuse surfaces, the numb sensation becomes so strong that nothing can stop it. Sometimes victims feel a desire to reenact their own abuse to alleviate the numbness. Hurting others makes them feel closer to the parts of themselves that disassociated during their own trauma. Abusers finally see their own pain reflected on the face of their victims. Instead of actually remembering their own pain and victimization, they connect to their own pain by witnessing it in someone else. Although the feelings abusers experience after committing a sexually violent act are not necessarily pleasurable, for some abusers stopping the numb feeling outweighs the later pangs of guilt. However, by not honestly confronting their victimization and pain, abusers never find relief. They compulsively continue to victimize others, with no end to their suffering. THE ABUSERS OF SURVIVORS More than half of the survivors in this study said their abusers were their parents (see Table 5.1). Our relationships with our family members are our primary relationships. The fact that parents can ritually abuse their own children, betraying their most intimate relationships, indicates just how isolated and disconnected abusers are from their feelings. Nearly all of the identified abusers were functioning members of their communities (see Table 5.2). in light of the dynamics of disassociation, it is not surprising that ritual abuse perpetrators are able to function so well. It is their ability not to feel that makes them capable of going to work during the day and torturing or killing people at night. if they did feel their emotions, they would be unable to function in the world but would also be unable to participate in the ritual abuse of children. Table 5.1 The Perpetrators of the Ritual Abuse Fathers 67% Uncles 27% Mothers 42% Physicians (not family) 33% Grandfathers 31% Priests/Ministers (not family) 17% Grandmothers 23% Teacher (not family) 17% Aunts 21% Table 5.2 Occupations of Fathers Identified as Perpetrators of Ritual Abuse Attorney Mechanical engineers (2) Building contractor Medical professional Chemist Miner Electrical, chemical, and mechanical Phone company employee engineer Physician Electrical engineer Plumber Factory workers (2) Realtor Farmer Salesman Fence builder Semiskilled laborer File clerk Steel mill manager Foreman electrician Supervisor of projection department Government worker Taxi driver High-security government employee Teacher in computer technology Upholsterer Hydro worker US. Army officer Locksmith Vice-president of a New York City Manager of a grange store bank Occupations of Mothers Identified as Perpetrators of Ritual Abuse Beauticians (3) Sales clerk Housewives (6) Secretary Locksmith Teachers (2) Mechanical engineer Teacher for emotionally disturbed Occupational therapist for children emotionally disturbed children Waitress Occupations of Other Identified Perpetrators Auto mechanic Bishop Bartender Carpenter Chauffeur Owned a produce company Computer programmer Pharmaceutical clerk Construction worker Psychiatrists Day-care coordinator Police officers Educational recruiter Politicians Electrician Postmaster Engineer Professor Executive secretary Ranchers Factory workers School library superintendent Farmers Security guard Foreman State trooper High school principal Students Institutionalized in a psychiatric Sunday school teacher hospital Traveling recruiter Insurance salesman Unemployed judges U.S. Air Force, top security Lawyers clearance Medical professionals U.S. Army generals Mental health professional Veterinarians Morticians Weatherman Nurse Similar Occupations of Perpetrators of Ritual Abuse Physicians 35% Priests/Ministers 22% Teachers 25% Police officers 15% AT WHAT AGE WERE SURVIVORS ABUSED? Many violent cults start torturing and brainwashing victims when they are still unable to talk. For most survivors, the abuse continues until they are removed from the abusive environment. Some survivors never were removed from the abusive environment and continued to be abused until they were in their twenties, thirties, and forties. Two survivors said the abuse was still happening today (see Tables 5.3 and 5.4). Although a small percentage of the survivors in this study did say the abuse was still happening, other survivors reported being severely revictimized when they were falsely accused of ongoing cult involvement. I asked a minister to officiate at a funeral/memorial service for my babies that had been sacrificed in rituals. I did this last year in hopes of putting some closure on the painful issue of my babies, and also it would give me a ceremony/ritual to honor them and say goodbye. The minister anonymously turned me into the police for child abuse, and an investigative team came out to my house because they had been told I was sacrificing babies in my home. They assessed the report was untrue. Because I speak in the community about ritual abuse, the police felt this report to be a threat and that I might be in danger. They taught me how to protect myself, but for three days my daughter and I lived in terror. Finally, my therapist and I put the pieces together and guessed it could only be this minister. I confronted the minister, who admitted being the one making the report. There was a semiapology made, but the minister felt she had to protect herself, both from me and any cult I might be involved in. She had no understanding of what it is to be a child victim. This ordeal was so traumatic for me that I've not yet been able to approach anyone else to perform the ceremony I still feel I want and need. THE QUESTION OF RESPONSIBILITY Young children cannot be expected to protect themselves. They do not have the power to change the world in order for them to be safe. Table 5.3 Age at Which the Abuse Began (in years) 0 to 3 65% 10 to 11 4% 4 to 5 12% 12 to 13 0% 6 to 7 8% 14 to 15 2% 8 to 9 0% Do not know 9% Table 5.4 Age at Which the Abuse Ended (in years) 5 to 10 21% 31 to 35 2% 11 to 15 29% 36 to 40 4% 16 to 20 14% Reports of abuse today 4% 21 to 25 8% Do not know 14% 26 to 30 4% Only adults have this power. Adults are the ones who are responsible for protecting children. All people who commit injustices against other people, consciously or unconsciously, have a responsibility to the victims and to themselves. The act of violation leads to isolation and pain. People who have made mistakes and have violated others need to find the strength to heal their own wounds and take care of themselves. Only when they have taken care of themselves are they genuinely able to give to others. A drowning person cannot throw a child a life preserver. After taking care of themselves, after creating a safe, gentle place of compassion inside themselves for themselves, abusers can begin to look outward to those they have hurt. They can genuinely right the wrongs they have committed. The most wonderful gift an abuser can give to a victim is the truth, a complete confession owning all responsibility for the abuse. Next comes financial responsibility for the damage inflicted on the victim. Some abusers unconditionally provide funding for the victim's therapy. An abuser who cannot support the victim financially can find other ways to help in the healing process. Never did the victim cause the abuse. The abuser is always the one responsible. Abusers must find the courage to heal themselves. It is through their healing that abusers are able to mend the separation they feel from other people. SUMMARY OF KEY POINTS Children from all around the United States are telling us that they have been systematically abused during rituals. Adults suffering from the same traumatic symptoms as war veterans and torture survivors say they were abused in violent rituals. Both adult and child survivors of ritual abuse who remember the violence experience flashbacks and become overwhelmed with physical and emotional pain. In nearly all cases, the victims report they were abused by two or more adults. Some people report they grew up in a cult and unwillingly continued to be a cult member as an adult. These survivors were traumatized by systematic brainwashing and torture into an unwanted amnesia of their behavior. They formed multiple personalities, some of which are controlled by the cult, and these programmed personalities return to the cult to avoid further torture and emotional cruelty. Most people involved in violent cults would not choose to be there. if they could find a way out, they would leave. Many of the current members of violent cults were raised in cults and are unable to get out due to amnesia, threats, and trauma. The remaining members were indoctrinated into the belief system when they joined a secret society or fraternal organization. Threats of harm to themselves or to their families prevent them from leaving the group. Violent cults are extremely sadistic, and abusers appear to take pleasure in other people's pain. Sadistic pleasure is a result of disassociation, which stops numbness and their own memories of abuse. Cult involvement is a victimizing experience for all members. Most people are forced to be there. After members relinquish hope for change in their own lives, they try to pull others into the same misery. On an unspoken level, they believe that if they have to be in the cult and be as miserable as they are, at least they are not in it alone. pps. 103-119 --[cont]-- Aloha, He'Ping, Om, Shalom, Salaam. Em Hotep, Peace Be, Omnia Bona Bonis, All My Relations. Adieu, Adios, Aloha. Amen. Roads End Kris DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER ========== CTRL is a discussion and informational exchange list. Proselyzting propagandic screeds are not allowed. Substance—not soapboxing! These are sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory', with its many half-truths, misdirections and outright frauds is used politically by different groups with major and minor effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought. That being said, CTRL gives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and always suggests to readers; be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no credeence to Holocaust denial and nazi's need not apply. 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