-Caveat Lector- from: http://www.zolatimes.com/V2.42/pageone.html <A HREF="http://www.zolatimes.com/V2.42/pageone.html">Laissez Faire City Times - Volume 2 Issue 42</A> The Laissez Faire City Times December 14, 1998 - Volume 2, Issue 42 Editor & Chief: Emile Zola ----- Clinton Agonistics by Zola US President-in-Weighing William Jefferson Clinton said it all depends on the meaning of what "is" is, and I can affirm, following Maxine Waters (D-USA) in her statement to the House Judiciary Committee, that I too is of sound mind, but I'm not sure the President also is. According to news reports, he blew up when his media appendage Whorealdo Rivera quoted from Clinton's own latest neo-grovel missive on national television, Thursday night, Dec. 10, before he--Clinton--had even seen it. Clinton was so steamed he went wandering around Washington, D.C., drinking a can of diet Coke in the winter air next morning, and the D.C. police had to block off several streets for the President's caffeinated, but non-fattening stroll. Finally, however, he returned to the White House dungeon, yielded to his handlers (who were standing by with straight jackets), went on T.V. all by himself (bumping into a White House column on the way to the Rose Garden podium), and again denied criminality even as the House Judiciary Committee was voting out Articles of Impeachment. Clinton said he hadn't done anything wrong, but he was sure sorry about it. Paul McNulty, speaking for the House Judiciary Committee, was unimpressed: "Even in his most recent apology, the President continues to deny the serious criminal acts of perjury, obstruction of justice, and witness tampering he has committed and to rely on technical legal arguments advanced by his attorneys." But Clinton, much like a teenage boy who has had a fight with his girlfriend and so goes tooling down the highway well over the speed limit, had already decided the appropriate response to the House Judiciary Committee was to put himself and his royal entourage in danger by traveling to the Middle East, to Israel, to be guarded by 15,000 Israeli policemen, 500 of them surrounding the Jerusalem Hilton where he and his political aide Hillary would be staying. Presumably, he left the football--the briefcase with the Gold Codes for starting nuclear war--at home, even assuming that his handlers had not once again removed that little baby entirely from the reach of the president's stubby and impeachable fingers. Don't fear, Clinton is being well-monitored. The Jerusalem Hilton is of sufficiently recent construction that the Mossad was able to bug all the rooms from the foundation up. But some of the time the Clintons are out on the move--he in a kaffiyeh, she in a yarmulke-- about the land, rebuilding Solomon's Temple, bringing down plagues from heaven, touring the nuclear facilities at Dimona, and lighting a condom-and-foreskin-laden Christmas tree at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. Some ungrateful Israelis have displayed signs: "Clinton go home." This is the second stage of the Peace Process of the Wye River agreement, during which Clinton and Netanyahu each seek to undermine the other's position, as they suddenly realise their personal interests are diametrically opposed. Meanwhile, Hillary was particularly miffed that Rep. Steve Chabot (R-Ohio) voted for Articles of Impeachment "for the children of this nation," claiming that he had stolen her line supporting the other side. Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) said, however, she opposed "Article I of the Constitution," while Rep. William Delahunt (D-Mass) noted "this is a capital case; this case involves the death penalty," letting escape the fervent hope of the Democrats of what will ensue during Clinton's Middle East peace trip. Such a capital solution would put a clean end to this whole impeachment business, with tearful widow Hillary left to scarf up votes of sympathy and launch her own political career--for the children, of course. In his Rose Garden neo-grovel, Clinton begged for "censure and rebuke," and hence should be gratified that impending impeachment by the full House of Representatives could serve in both capacities, though not, of course, as effectively as would subsequent conviction by the Senate and removal from office. Clinton admitted it was "hard to hear yourself called deceitful and manipulative," but anything Congress would do "would pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I have caused my family. There is no greater agony." Hillary was, of course, there at his side, the tears rolling down her face--oops, actually she was on the opposite side of the country, in San Francisco, touring the Conservatory of Flowers, showing (as the Associate Press put it) "no hint of any emotion concerning the crisis back home as she basked in the goodwill evident in this traditionally Democratic city." Pain? What pain? An upbeat Hillary was picking out rare plants with which to decorate her late husband's grave site, in the event Congress actually saw fit to impose that death penalty Delahunt was babbling about. Clinton again wagged a finger at American, evoking the "wisdom of a poet": "The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on. Nor all your piety, nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line. Nor all your tears wash out a word of it." The moving finger proceeded to write out three Articles of Impeachment, making "our Honorable President Clinton" (as the deposition of Dolly Kyle Browning phrased it) only the second president in history to face an impeachment vote by the full House. Clinton's quote, of course, is from The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, a Persian mathematician who solved a type of cubic equation. Assuming Clinton's cite of quatrain 60 was not a coded message to Iran, he might have also noted quatrain 13 with respect to his political career: Some for the Glories of This World; and some Sigh for the Prophet's Paradise to come; Ah, take the Cash, and let the Promise go, Nor heed the rumble of a distant Drum! Or included quatrain 12 for himself and Monica: A Book of Verses underneath the Bough, A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou Beside me singing in the Wilderness-- Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow! On Saturday, after the House Judiciary passed impeachment article number 4, White House special counsel Gregory Craig said that removal of the president from office would "divide the country, gridlock the government and defy the will of the people," apparently meaning that having Clinton out of office would have the same effect as leaving Clinton in office. Clinton was busily figuring out who next he could bribe or intimidate into a committed No vote on impeachment, but his concentration was broken by the previously planned four-day mission to the Middle East. Lanny Davis was on hand to urge Clinton to cancel his trip, and showed his keen grasp of the situation by telling reporters: "The only thing he hasn't done is plead guilty to a crime. If he does that, they'll say he should be impeached because he pleaded guilty to a crime." But Clinton had already made his escape to the wilderness, Chelsea assisting him aboard Marine One before dawn. Presidential aides spent the day calling lawmakers and urging their support for the president, followed up by queries about any future job openings on Capitol Hill. An "Impeach Clinton" demonstrator on Pennsylvania Avenue interviewed by the Associate Press noted that Clinton's "poor me, pitiful me, fell sorry for me, don't impeach me" tactic only proved "that they're in a panic in the White House." Yes, indeed. But Clinton wasn't in a panic, according to Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA), a member of Clinton's Middle East delegation. "He's in apparent good spirits. It's important to compartmentalize and he's able to do that." Compartmentalize, indeed. As time passes, Clinton appears more and more like one of the reported zombie products of mind control experiments in induced multiple personality disorder. Is Clinton of sound mind, or isn't he? It all depends on what the meaning of "Clinton" is. -30- from The Laissez Faire City Times, Vol 2, No 42, Dec. 14, 1998 ----- The Laissez Faire City Times is a private newspaper. Although it is published by a corporation domiciled within the sovereign domain of Laissez Faire City, it is not an "official organ" of the city or its founding trust. Just as the New York Times is unaffiliated with the city of New York, the City Times is only one of what may be several news publications located in, or domiciled at, Laissez Faire City proper. For information about LFC, please contact [EMAIL PROTECTED] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Published by Laissez Faire City Netcasting Group, Inc. Copyright 1998 - Trademark Registered with LFC Public Registrar All Rights Reserved ----- Aloha, He'Ping, Om, Shalom, Salaam. Em Hotep, Peace Be, Omnia Bona Bonis, All My Relations. Adieu, Adios, Aloha. Amen. 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