>Source:
>http://www.herald.com/thispage.htm?content/archive/living/barry/content.htm
>
>Dr. Kevorkian's services needed on the campaign trail
>
>By DAVE BARRY
>
>Here's some exciting news for you voters: There are
>only six or seven more months until the presidential
>election! That's right! Just a half-year or so of
>listening to the candidates accuse each other of being
>pond scum, and then we get to choose one as our
>president!
>
> Oh, it's going to be a fun campaign. It certainly has
>been wild and unpredictable so far, hasn't it? I mean,
>just a year ago, all the so-called ``experts'' were
>saying that it was a done deal, that Al Gore and
>George ``W'' Bush were sure to get nominated, just
>because they had money and the political big shots
>behind them. But guess what? This is not a brutal
>dictatorship such as Iraq or your cable company. This
>is the United States of America, where the PEOPLE
>decide. And the 126 people who actually voted in the
>primaries have decided that the nominees will be: Al
>Gore and George ``W'' Bush.
>
> Of course both men were challenged in the primaries.
>Al Gore was challenged by Bill Bradley, former
>Knickerbocker and U.S. senator from the state of
>Suspended Animation. He reportedly had some good
>ideas; the problem was that, because of his speaking
>style, nobody heard them. He'd give a speech on health
>care, and the audience would wake up days later, still
>groggy, saying, ``I remember him saying something
>about pre-existing medical conditions, and then
>apparently my head struck the floor.''
>
> Bush's main challenger was Sen. John McCain, who got
>good coverage from the news media, because he invited
>them to ride on his bus. To a normal, well-adjusted
>human, a bus ride is not particularly exciting, but it
>was HUGE to the media, because pretty much everybody
>hates them, especially politicians, who generally
>would not invite the media to ride on anything except
>an inner tube floating just above Niagara Falls. So
>McCain got excellent press, to the point where some
>Bush supporters felt that the coverage was slanted, as
>evidenced by this front-page headline from the Feb. 2
>issue of The New York Times:
>
> McCAIN IS SEEN GAINING ON STUPID
>
> But when all was said and done, the winners were Bush
>and Gore, one of whom will be our next president,
>unless -- and I would not totally rule this out - the
>Constitution suddenly is discovered to be missing, and
>it mysteriously turns up a few days later in the White
>House living quarters, and, lo and behold, the part
>that limits the president to two terms is GONE.
>
> But probably it'll be Gore or Bush. Perhaps you're
>asking yourself: Since we have the candidates, why not
>just hold the election NOW? Why drag it out? Why can't
>we be more like, say, Great Britain, which somehow is
>able to elect an entire new government in less time
>than it takes for our presidential candidates to agree
>on the lectern heights for a TV debate?
>
> The answer is that if we vote now, we will do a great
>deal of harm to something we Americans call ``the
>democratic process,'' by which I mean ``TV and radio
>broadcasters.'' These companies are going to be paid
>many millions of dollars to air commercials in which
>the candidates viciously attack each other, day after
>day, month after month, until nobody wants to vote for
>either one of them except their immediate pets. This
>is called ``informing the voters.''
>
> To get you started with this process, here's an
>analysis of the two candidates' strengths, weaknesses
>and positions on the issues:
>
>AL GORE: His strength is that he has been vice
>president for eight years, which theoretically gives
>him a lot of experience. Unfortunately, he cannot
>remember ever having participated in any official
>meetings or discussions or anything else that any
>current or future special prosecutor may or may not
>find out about. He is in favor of education, the
>economy and the Family, and he communicates his views
>on these topics by speaking in a style identical to
>that of Mister Rogers reassuring 2-year-olds that they
>will not be sucked down the bathtub drain.
>
> GEORGE ``W'' BUSH: His strength is that he is the son
>of former President George Herbert Walker Hoover
>Franklin Pierce Kennebunkport Bush. His biggest
>weakness is that he apparently does not speak English,
>or anything else, as a native language, and thus has
>trouble when asked trick questions such as what he
>thinks. He is also in favor of education, the economy
>and the Family.
>
> Both men are strongly against the use of drugs, at
>least at this point in their lives. So there you have
>it, voters! Your exciting choice! Ointment vs.
>Suppository! Only another 200 days or so, and you get
>to pick one! This is assuming you have not moved to
>Iraq.
>
>
>__________________________________________________
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