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Oct 16, 2002 Heaven Help Us: The Utterances Of God's Court Jester DANIEL RUTH Y ou really have to wonder whether Jerry Falwell gets up every morning and sticks his head in a microwave oven at full power for about 20 minutes - just to make sure he's really good and stupid for the rest of the day. Theology's answer to India's bus system was at it again recently when he was interviewed on ``60 Minutes.'' It's merely a guess, but you have to suspect the producers selected Falwell not because he represents any sort of religious expertise but because they were reasonably assured the Moral Moron would say something deliciously dense. And, of course, they were absolutely right. When it comes to running true to form, Jerry Falwell is the Vernal Equinox of vacuousness. During his televised interview, in which he deftly managed to expose himself once again as dumber than a sack of hairspray, Falwell opined that he thought Mohammed was a terrorist. ``I read enough of the history of his life by both Muslim and, and, non- Muslims, that he was a violent man, a man of war,'' Jerry Clueless said. ``Jesus set the example for love, as did Moses. And I think Mohammed set an opposite example.'' In the course of a few moments, Falwell, a theological anthrax spore, had managed to offend the adherents of a faith held dear by more than a billion people around the world. They were not amused. Loaded Question? Where did this twerp go to divinity school? Our Lady of Perpetual Perniciousness? After a global cacophony of protest during the weekend, Minister Malaprop apologized. Sort of. ``I sincerely apologize that certain statements of mine made during an interview for the September 30 edition of CBS's `60 Minutes' were harmful to the feelings of many Muslims,'' he said in a statement. But this is a chap who adheres to his own twisted interpretation of a persecution complex. He attempted to blame reporter Bob Simon for being the dark hand of fate that led to his portrayal as God's court jester. ``Unfortunately,'' whined the Vicar of Vituperation, ``I answered one controversial and loaded question at the conclusion of an hourlong interview, which I should not have answered.'' Is that so? A loaded question? Here is the question Simon asked the Elmer Gantry of Disingenuousness: ``You wrote an approving piece recently about a book called `Unveiling Islam.' And you, the authors of the book, wrote, `The Muslim who commits acts of violence in jihad does so with the approval of Mohammed.' Do you believe that?'' ``I do,'' the man of the froth responded. What was so loaded about the question? Falwell, a man abundantly experienced in dealing with interviews, either agreed with the assertions made in the book, or he didn't. It wasn't as if the reporter had asked the used- shark salesman of Scripture his opinions about the human genome project. Sorry Excuse Responsible people in this country, including President Bush, have made every effort since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks to include the Muslim faith in all manner of interdenominational services to help forge a greater unity among diverse cultures and religious beliefs. But not the likes of Falwell, who, hiding behind the charade of their calling, have continued to offer their unctuous bigotry, followed by wink- and-nod apologies. It was the Andrew Dice Clay of the New Testament who, shortly after the murders of 3,000 people, suggested it was somehow the fault of ``pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays, and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say, `You helped this happen.' '' Good grief, the Barnacle Bill of the Bible had to know after the dust-up that followed those remarks that calling Mohammed a violent terrorist on national television would not help elevate his reputation for tolerance. Over the course of his career as a holy huckster, Falwell has spent as much time apologizing as he has proselytizing. Little wonder the bully of the pulpit is such a sorry excuse for a minister. Columnist Daniel Ruth can be reached at (813) 259-7599. 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