Always on the lookout for a good story, CNN's roving
correspondent Rhonda Schlepper was fast on the tracks of Nikolai
Alexandrovich, the pretender to the vacant Imperial throne of the
Romanovs.
As an added bonus, Nikolai lives in Mosquitoes, Ms.
Schlepper's own hometown. She used this interview trip to come
home and visit with her family over this Thanksgiving weekend.
On Friday evening Ms. Schlepper and her family went to shul at
Congregation B'nai Tubal-Cain in the fashionable western suburbs
of Mosquitoes. Saturday morning she was back to business. After
a few phone calls, she arranged to be received to an audience by the
pretender, who styles himself His Imperial Majesty Nicholas III,
Czar of All the Russias.
She was driven to the gate of the Catholic Protest compound at
3 Blessed Virgin Mary Boulevard and was immediately whisked in
by one of Abu Yahya's deputies. She was taken to a modest house
on the grounds and knocked on the door.
A well-preserved middle-aged woman answered the door and a
man's voice was heard from the inside. "Your Majesty, please let
Ms. Schlepper come in for her audience." The woman answered
back, "Stop calling me 'Your Majesty', you nincompoop!"
Rhonda walked in and was met by a strikingly handsome
middle-aged man. "He looks more like Elvis, or Roger Moore,
than Mel Gibson", she thought to herself.
"Your Imperial Majesty?", Rhonda said tentatively.
"You can call me Little Father", answered Nikolai. "Please
excuse the Czarina. Her Imperial Majesty is not used to courtly
protocol yet. All this has been too much for her."
"I see", said Rhonda. "Is it OK if I use a tape recorder during
the audience.
"By all means", answered the Czar of All the Russias.
Rhonda Schlepper: "How come you think you are the lawful
heir of the Romanovs, Little Father? You are not even Russian."
His Imperial Majesty: "True, but look at the Windsors of Great
Britain. They are not British, they are Dschermans, and nobody
thinks twice about it."
R.S.: "When did you decide that you were entitled to rule over
Moscow, the Third Rome?"
H.I.M.: "Just last summer, when we were on vacation in
Wichita. I had the epiphany there."
R.S.: "What precipitated this momentous event?"
H.I.M. "Last July 31, a Monday, was the beginning of the
Republican National Convention in Philadelphia. It was also a Blue
New Moon. As I was watching the Convention on TV at La
Quinta Inn in Wichita, I was struck by the realization that my
father's name was Alexander. Therefore, I was Nikolai
Alexandrovich. The last Czar, Nicholas II, was also Nikolai
Alexandrovich, since his father was Czar Alexander II. Moreover, I
am the third Nikolai in my branch of my extended family.
Therefore, not only am I Nikolai Alexandrovich, I am Nicholas III."
R.S.: "I see. How has this sensational realization affected the
other members of your family?"
H.I.M.: "As you have seen, the Czarina, my wife, Her Imperial
Majesty Olga Nikolayevna, has not taken it very well. The same is
true of my youngest daughter, Her Imperial Highness Princess
Fyodora Nikolayevna. However, my oldest daughter, Her Imperial
Highness Princess Yefrosyni Nikolayevna, is ready to accept the
solemn duties of our destiny."
"And stop calling me Olga, you ne'er-do-well! You know very
well my name is Olivia. And keep Dora and Effie out of this!",
interjected the reluctant Czarina.
H.I.M.: "Her Imperial Majesty has been especially upset
recently because the movie producers were about to have Glenn
Close portray her in the screen version of 'Fight all CLuMs and
especially P. & U.K.E.'. I share her concern and have managed to
persuade them to give the part to Michelle Pfeiffer instead. What is
an extra million or two, if we are to do justice to the Czarina's
beauty?"
R.S.: "What about JoBeth Williams? Her beauty type is closer
to that of the Czarina's."
H.I.M.: "That is true, but JoBeth is a little too old. So it has to
be Michelle Pfeiffer. Nothing but the best for Her Imperial
Majesty".
Czarina Olga: "Sure, but now he even forgets to take out the
garbage."
H.I.M.: "That is something for the servants."
C.O.: "But we don't have any servants."
H.I.M.: "You have to thank the Bolsheviks for that."
Rhonda noticed a book in a foreign language on top of Nikolai's
desk and asked about it.
H.I.M.: "Oh, that? It is my personal copy of Nilus's
'Protocols'. I never go anywhere without it. If my sainted
predecessor, may God rest his soul, had paid greater attention to
this prophetic work, he may have been able to prevent the
catastrophe."
R.S.: "Little Father, how do you propose to finance your claim
on the Third Rome?"
H.I.M.: "We will use the treasures of the Romanovs.
Metropolitan Abdullah is organizing a bond offering for our
supporters. They will be repaid by the Romanov treasury when I
come into my kingdom."
R.S.: "How can you, an ordinary citizen of Mosquitoes, Texas,
be successful in beating out the claims of the existing Romanov
family members?"
H.I.M.: "There you go again, you say 'ordinary citizen'. I had a
dream. Has the Romanov pretender had a dream? It is not human
laws, but Divine Will, that will decide this matter."
R.S. "May I make a phone call?", she said, taking out her
cellular.
H.I.M.: "By all means."
R.S.: (Calling her husband, CNN anchorman Lupus Blister,
back in Washington.) "Lupus, dear, could you arrange for a full
crew to come over to Mosquitoes, to the Catholic Protest
compound? I have a story that may be bigger than Palm Beach."
