-Caveat Lector-
>From http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/exis.htm
}}}>Begin
French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan To Convince Taleban of Non-
Existence of God
The ground war in Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to
airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to
destroy the morale of Taleban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be
parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential
anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during
their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a
number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will
drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely
isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly
beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the
philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to
everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in
the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and
unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taleban
are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove
it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of
action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred
Hitchcock.
However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as
inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens'
endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by
dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic
theory of the creation of the universe.
Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of
leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Oprah
Winfrey has not died yet.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to undermine
the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Taleban's fighting spirit. Pentagon
sources have recently confirmed rumours that America has already sent in a 200-
foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the Taleban front lines glowing eerily and shooting
flames out of its fingers while saying, 'I am the way, the truth and the life, follow
me
or die.' However, plans to have the giant Christ kick the crap out of a slightly
effeminate 80-foot Mohammed in central Kabul were discarded as insensitive to
Muslim allies.
(7th Nov 01
End<{{{
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