> >Subject: Blofeld found near Corralito's stop licensed to kill stop eyes >only stop >Backgound for Infiltration purposes. >Adventures of Fluffy, American Dissident Cat; >(September 9) It's started again. Early in the morning some idiot starts >ringing my doorbell. It was ringing and ringing and ringing, and I knew >right away it was one of the Geriatric Gestapo of the Neighborhood Watch >Association. They're the only ones that would do it - ring five or six >times in a row like that. And sure enough it was - complaining about the >Fluffster. Anyway Fluffy the cat was over at the golf club parking lot, >where he likes to hang out with all the Cadillacs and their American flags >that the Geriatric Gestapo like to put on their cars. The Fluffster has >gotten into the habit of tearing the flags off of them. > >To him, it's just something to play with. The flags are blowing in the >breeze, and the cat gets on top of the cars. He takes his paws and grabs >at the flag and his claws get stuck in the flag. Then in order to get his >claws out, he will literally tear the flag right off the little wooden >pole. His claws get stuck in there because they're all cheap little >seventy-nine cent American flags - made in China, of course. They're just >stapled on to the wood. So the Fluffster, in order to get his claws out, >has to tear the flag off the pole. And people are thinking he's doing it >on purpose. These oldsters are convinced that I've trained him to do it on >purpose because I told them so. I've told them that the Fluffster is a >duly enlightened cat, and he's doing his part to prevent the spread of >"Dangerous Blind Patriotism." > >I put his little army helmet on today and he's all set. He's got a >miniature army helmet I bought him through this cat mail order place. They >sell all sorts of stuff for cats. The Fluffster actually seems to like it. >It's a little green plastic helmet with webbing over it and it looks >exactly like a World War II helmet and it has places for his ears. It says >the Big Red One on it and it has a little elastic that goes under his >chin. It doesn't seem to bother him and he doesn't try to pull it off, but >then, of course, he's half stoned all the time. > >He eats catnip incessantly. He'll go through a bag of it in no time. I >used to give him just a teaspoon of organically grown fresh catnip a day. >It's good for the cat's bowels and urinary tract. It evidently keeps them >regular like bran flakes for people. I kept giving him more and more and >then I thought I'll just give him the whole bag. He's an All American Cat. >He's stoned all day on catnip. His eyes are always glazed over and he's >having a hell of a time. > >Catnip is to Cats what Jack Daniels and Prozac is to the Bush Family. > >So he's out there this morning with his little helmet on, tearing the >flags off the Geriatrics' Cadillacs. The old people actually believe me >when I tell them that I've trained him to do this and that the Fluffster >is doing his part so the Geriatric Gestapo don't succumb to "Dangerous >Blind Patriotism." And, of course, none of them want to hear that. > >So now I've been told that for every seventy-nine cent American flag "Made >in China" that he pulls down, we'll get fined five dollars. They're just >fine happy and they just love it because the fines go into the clubhouse >fund to support the geriatric exercise room where they're now learning the >goose-step. Instead of aerobics, they have Goose Stepping 101. You don't >know how wild the Neighborhood Watch Association seniors can get. (See >previous story on "Close Encounters With Neighborhood Watch") > >Their biggest problem is that their brittle belief systems, from the time >when they were young, are all calcified -- and they're collapsing all >around them. Since their minds have long since atrophied, they go into >this numb way of living, so they're just numb to everything. It's like >All-Natural Prozac, and they all hang out with each other because they're >all equally naïve and provincial. They all take the senior citizen shuttle >bus to Wal-Mart for the Thursday double discount seniors' day. Loaded with >their trading stamp booklets and every discount card in the world, they go >driving around in their electric three wheelers. They bang into each other >and their false teeth come out. More of them have lost their false teeth >at Wal-Mart banging into each other than you can imagine. It's like >Dodge-Em Cars or Bumper Cars in this place. And that's what it looks like >because none of them can half see anymore. Their eye-hand coordination is >pretty well gone. You go into the Wal-Mart and it looks like a bunch of >oldsters playing Bumper Cars and then when one of them drives onto the >other, they yell and cry out, "Whiplash" and "I'm going to get my lawyer." > >And they actually have ads on the back of the bus benches in front of the >place from every ambulance-chasing lawyer in town. The one I love is >called Rosenberg Rosenthal Rosencrantz and Rosenwitz. That's the name of >the law firm. They have the most prominent ad and it shows a picture of >two oldsters banging into each other in the dodge em cars. One of them has >whiplash and a neck brace and the other one has lost his false teeth and >his hearing aid has popped out and got run over. And another oldster in >back is saying, "If you've suffered an injury in the dodge em cars, call >the attorneys at Rosenberg Rosenthal Rosencrantz and Rosenwitz. We have a >combined hundred years experience in ambulance chasing." > >This is just the latest episode in the ongoing adventures of the >Almeister, the machinations of Fluffster and Company and the >Goose-Stepping Geriatric Gestapo Neighborhood Watch Asssociation. It >almost sounds like a TV show. > >MORE ON >www.almartinraw.com COMING SOON: An actual unretouched photograph of the Fluffster complete with his Commie red collar and his Chinese Commie green ID tag.