Monday morning 345 am Sep 10, 2007 The turning point. Vague, but tangible. Seemingly trivial, subtly vital. How do I make this the moment. The moment to end moments. The eternal now. Unbroken awareness. Awareness of the spectacular possibitly of manifested existence. Awareness of the unmanifested existence which is now, which is me.
A manifested existence built on the shining hill. A hill of shinning moments, of brilliance and ignorance. Hurts and joys. Shame and moments to be proud of. The moments that have defined me until now. A heaping pile of shining light. I stand on this hill naked. Alone. Lost. With seemingly nothing to build with, only a broken pile to stand on. I have died. The building which was me has collapsed. I am reborn. Standing on the hill which was me. When I was first born, I had my mothers house to call my own. To protect me. Now I have nothing but the memory. Alone. Abandoned. Bleeding. Am I bleeding? Or is this blood I am covered in someone elses. I have hurt people. I have hurt those I loved. I loved those that hurt me. I am not innocent. I am not a victim. And if I am a victim, I am only a victim of myself. I stand on bodies. On broken relationships. On drugs. On broken homes and lives. On success and failure. On power and fear. Love and hatred. Secrets and lies. Faith. Beliefs. Ignorance. And wisdom. Wisdom. The wisdom shines. It all shines. The pile I stand on shines. Everything I stand on is wisdom. It is death, blood, pain, sorrow, drugs, lives, loves, knowledge, and ignorance. Everything that was me has been destroyed. I stand apon this massive hill of destruction, and it shines. Shines as wisdom. Terrible, glorious wisdom. Agonizing wisdom. Blinding light. Who am I? I am not that which is now destroyed. That which I stand on. I am not the wisdom. I am the awareness of the wisdom. I am awareness. I am that I am. Monday 415am What now? Do I build a castle on this hill? Another castle, doomed to crumble. A castle built on wisdom. The wisdom that says it will crumble too. And when it does, all that will remain is awareness. Naked awareness. Wisdom to see that which everyone sees only when they die. Wisdom they do not have to live with. My castle crumbled too soon, and I did not die. Now I must build another castle, without the ignorance. I know it will all crumble again. My burden. My wisdom. My truth. Not many others can grasp. Maybe intuitively know, but not grasp totally. So now what? I will build another castle. A castle on a shining hill. A beautiful castle made of non-resistance, non-judgement, and non-attatchment. For these are the only building blocks worthy of this shining hill. Many will pass by my castle on the hill, and say "Who does he think he is, building his house on a hill? He must think he is better than us!". "Look he does what we do, but not the same way. Does he think he is different than us!" "Have you looked into his eyes, there is something secret in them." And then one day someone will be passing by and stop. Someone with eyes like mine. They will smile, then laugh. They will say, "Look at this man, he has lost everything once and survived. Now he has built a beautiful castle on the remains. He knows it will fall again, so he has built it of non-attachment, non-judgement, and non-resistance. He is like a child building sand castles before the tide comes in and destroys it. Of all the castles I have seen, this is one of the most beautiful." These people will look into my eyes and not see a secret, but the truth. Others will see a secret and say " He is so sad, carrying such a burden". But the people who see the truth will say "Wow, he is so peaceful. He has been to heaven and hell. But he is not of heaven or hell. He just is. Truly this is the happiness which surpasses all understanding. He is not happy that he has such a beautiful castle, nor is he sad that one day it will crumble. He has that peace. Abiding serenity. He has that peace which is the same in heaven or hell. Look at how the ignorant misread his eyes. Some see heaven, some see hell. The wise see the truth, see the peace. The end of suffering." 555am Jason James Morgan
