http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1206/santacritical.html
Freehold Iowa - Dick Dawkins, an unrepentant Atheist and local
troublemaker is hospitalized and remains in not-critical-enough
condition at the Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital for the
Saved. Earlier this week, Dawkins thought he'd have a little fun at
the expense of Christian sensitivity by dressing up as a pagan
pedophile ("Santa Claus") and undermining the Jesusness of the
cutthroat sale-searching going on at the Landover Baptist Shopping Mall.
"Santa ended up with a red butt full of lead before he made it halfway
through the parking lot," Pastor Deacon Fred told reporters. "He also
got himself two black eyes that made him look more like Frosty the
Snowman than Lucifer's gift-giving ambassador here on Earth!" As an
annual precaution, Baptist Security officers and deputized Deacons are
armed with shotguns, pepper spray and bullwhips, and stationed at each
mall entranceway during the Christmas season. As usual, they all had
orders to shoot Santa Claus on sight. Because of the 4-minute spray of
bullets that downed the entire shoe department at JC Penny's last
year, Pastor and Kay Jewelry salesmen Harold Pinkler had instructed
mall security, 'Don't fire until you see the whites of his furry
cuffs!' But thanks to the Godly efforts of our Baptist Junior High
School students and and three young members of our Tots-4-Jesus Prayer
Squad who were out putting, Jesus is the Reason for the Season flyers
on car windows in the mall parking lot, Santa Claus' feeble attempt to
spoil Christmas for True Christians™ ended on the tarmac outside the
east wing of the Freehold, Iowa Baptist Mall. Praise God, who knows
how many happy, Christian sweater shoppers' lives were saved by trying
to kill Santa out in the parking lot this year!"
Dozens of Christian children from a Junior High Sunday School class
were awarded the Landover Baptist Medal of Convenient Christian
Service during last weekend's morning worship after risking their
lives and a game of hockey to save the true meaning of Christmas.
"Each of these children tell me they acted instinctively out of Godly
concern as soon as they saw that fat red demon squeeze out of his VW
Bug which was plastered with vile 'Obama '08' and 'Peace on Earth'
bumper stickers," Pastor told parishioners on Sunday. "One boy tells
me heard the voice of Jesus inside his heart whispering, 'There he is,
Billy! There be the demon, Santa... My Nemesis. Creep softly My son...
and make not a sound as you do My bidding. I live within you and My
strength will guide you... NOW, GET THAT DANG FAT OLD DEMON! and Kill!
Kill! KILL!' "
"Our precious Christian children snuck up behind Santa Claus and beat
him unconscious," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Then they held him down
while Billy pumped a few rounds into his enormous behind. When
ambulances arrived almost two hours later, a crowd of cheering church
members along with the entire Landover Baptist Junior High Youth Group
had already shown up. I'm told that each of them had a Godly
opportunity to kick and spit on that old devil."
Billy Henshaw recalls, "When we had Santa down, I called everyone I
knew on my cell phone and told them all, 'Get down here as fast as you
can if you want to get a punch in on this pagan troll before the
ambulance shows up! I then used my phone to take photos of his wiener
with that devil cap of his on it. You can see a bunch more photos of
that sack of Jesus hating crap all half dead and stuff posted on my
Facebook page! Just send me a tell and I'll send you the link." There
were also several unsaved children, still angry about being tricked
into good behavior who were happy for the opportunity to take a few
spirited whacks at the man who had falsely promised them iPods and
Playstations last year.
Santa Claus remains in critical condition on a gurney outside the
loading dock at Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital for the Saved. "We
don't have him on life support or anything, he's just got some bruised
ribs, a bloody rear end, two black eyes, and it sounds like he's
having a real rough time breathing that invigorating 18-degree air out
there," says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "We're just
gonna hold him here for a week or two till someone from the ACLU gets
here to pick him up or the sanitation people cart him off in one of
their smelly trucks."
The Landover Baptist Church teaches Tots-4-Jesus that Santa's belly is
fat because it is filled with the bodies of the little Christian boys
and girls he kidnaps through their chimneys and feasts upon with his
demonic elves in his hellish lair in the North Pole. "Thanks to True
Christian™ learnings, a set of Republican values are instilled into
the hearts and minds of our Christian children at a very early age,"
says Pastor Deacon Fred. "That is, the message of Jesus' love is what
this month is all about -- and we are willing to crack some skulls to
keep it that way! A-men?These kiddies' spontaneous show of Christmas
spirit is a demonstration that our conservative teachings and values
work! Praise God! And let this be a lesson to all you parents out
there who are tempted to forget the Christmas story by writing 'From
Santa' and not 'From Jesus' on presents: A smelly manger in Bethlehem
would seem like the Ritz-Carlton compared to a rat-infested, Iowa
hospital loading dock in the dead of winter, my friends!"
