Muslim Gays Seek Lesbians For Wives
Social Pressures Push Some Into Sexless Marriage
By Ayesha Akram
Religion News Service
Saturday, June 24, 2006; B09
On a Web site for gay South Asians, 27-year-old Syed Mansoor
uploaded the following message last summer:
"Hi, I am looking for a lesbian girl for marriage. I am gay but I
would like to get married because of pressure from parents and
society. I would like this marriage to be a 'normal' marriage except
for the sex part, please don't expect any sexual relationship from
me.
"Being an Indian gay person, I believe it is so much worth it to
give up sex and have a nice otherwise normal family. We can be good
friends and don't have to repent all our life for being gay/lesbian."
Across the globe and especially in America, hundreds of other gay
Muslims have started to pursue marriages of convenience--or MOC, as
they are known-- in which gay Muslims seek out lesbian Muslims, and
vice versa, for appearances' sake.
Mansoor works as an accountant in New York and is a devout Muslim.
He abstains from drinking alcohol or eating pork and is particular
about offering early morning prayers.
To his friends on Wall Street, he is a financial whiz; to his
parents, a devoted son. But Mansoor is also part of a burgeoning
trend of gay Muslims adopting marriages of convenience. Hard
statistics are hard to come by, but on a single Web site for South
Asian gays and lesbians seeking such marriages, almost 400 requests
had been uploaded.
They ranged from a desperate plea from Atlanta ("I just finished
medical school, and the pressure for me to get married is becoming
ridiculous. I can't have a conversation with my parents without them
pressuring me") to a straightforward one from Texas ("I will not
object to her having sex with other women").
Mansoor credits the Internet for making these marriages a real
possibility for gay Muslims. Gay activists agree and say that in
recent years they have seen a rise in such marriages among Muslims.
Jack Fertig, a co-coordinator for al-Fatiha, a national advocacy
group for gay Muslims, says he comes across at least one such e-mail
request every month.
"It's obvious that this is becoming a viable option," he
said. "People are seeking, looking and trying to make connections
that could develop into such marriages."
Other activists say gay Muslims are resorting to these unions for
reasons of self-preservation.
"Marriages of convenience are the result of gay Muslims wanting to
avoid emotional and physical harm to themselves," says Muhammed Ali,
a board member of Homan, a Los Angeles-based support group for gay
Iranians.
Homosexuality is a crime punishable by death in much of the Islamic
world. In Iran last year, two gay teenagers were publicly executed,
while in Afghanistan, the Taliban government would torture
homosexuals by collapsing walls on them.
Though gay Muslims in America don't have such fears, they still seek
out marriages of convenience as a way of staying in the closet. Many
of them worry about being ostracized from their families if their
secret is revealed.
A marriage of convenience is the perfect solution, Mansoor
said. "It's a great option," he said. "I get married to a lesbian,
we sleep in different rooms and remain friends. Meanwhile, I can
have a boyfriend."
Mansoor is also willing to throw a financial incentive into the
deal. A year has passed since he posted his request on an online
discussion board, and, as yet, he has received no replies. But he
continues to hope. "Now that I have a good job and earn handsomely,
my family keeps asking, 'Why don't you find a wife?' " he said. "I
plan to have a marriage of convenience just to satisfy the world."
Muslim authorities around the world have repeatedly emphasized that
homosexuality is not permissible. Muzammil Siddiqi of the Islamic
Society of North America said there is no flexibility on this topic.
"Homosexuality is a moral disorder. It is a moral disease, a sin and
corruption. . . . No person is born homosexual, just like no one is
born a thief, a liar or murderer," he said. "People acquire these
evil habits due to a lack of proper guidance and education."
Mainstream Islamic scholars also take an unfavorable view of MOCs.
The face of Imam Omar, a scholar at the Islamic Cultural Center of
Manhattan, crinkled with laughter when he was asked about this
phenomenon. "These people are Muslims?" he asked.
Omar receives all sorts of inquiries and is now rarely taken aback.
But a query about marriages of convenience stunned him. "What kind
of marriage is this?" he asked. "A nikah [marriage] in Islam needs
to be consummated. There is no concept of marriage in Islam without
sexual relations."
Although some gay men feel a union of convenience is the best
option, Rachel Sussman, a marriage counselor in New York, said they
may not know what they are getting into. "It's opening up a
Pandora's box," she said. "What happens if his partner falls in love
with someone? What happens if he falls in love with someone who is
not okay with him being married?"
Sussman says that arrangements can potentially lead to depression,
anxiety and severe marital distress.
But Ali of Los Angeles disagrees. He doesn't think MOCs are any
unhealthier than other arrangements.
"If you look at our traditional culture, marriages were usually
marriages of consensus and convenience and not necessarily emotional
marriages," he said. "If two people care enough about each other to
help each other out, who is to say they won't have a good marriage?"
© 2006 The Washington Post Company
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