(fwd)
This means war
Now that George Bush has found out the Kyoto agreement is about emissions
reduction and might annoy his oil chums back in Texas, he has done what the
world had feared: torn it up. But if he thinks there is nothing we can do
about it, then he is sorely mistaken. Stephen Moss suggests some sanctions
Special report: global
warming
Special report: George Bush's
America
Thursday March 29 2001
The Guardian
Arms
Britain should immediately withdraw its Tornado from Iraq and refuse to
take part in any further bombing missions, no matter how many shiny new
missiles we are promised. Nato should suspend the US, invite Russia to take
its place and establish no-fly zones in the north and south of America. (OK,
let's say over Nantucket for starters: we don't want to be too ambitious.)
Support should be given to any coherent anti-Bush groups that may develop in
Washington, though at present there is little evidence of effective
opposition groups in the capital. US air bases in the UK should be closed
and weedkiller sprinkled on the airmen's golf courses.
Sport
All sporting contacts should cease immediately. Pete Sampras will not be
permitted to win Wimbledon for the eighth time, and even Jack Straw will
accept that Mike Tyson should not be allowed into the country. Tiger Woods
will be allowed to compete in the Open, but will have to play blindfold. He
will still win, but we shall have made our point.
Baseball, basketball and American football will be treated as the ludicrous,
TV-dominated non-events they are. The term "World Series" to describe a
contest between teams from rival American leagues is henceforth banned. We
will continue to ignore Nascar racing and the Indianapolis 500. No wrestling
will be shown in the UK, no matter how obscure the channel. Continuous
coverage of the Ashes will be beamed to the US to demonstrate the historic
wrong turning they made by opting for baseball in the middle of the 19th
century.
History
It will be pointed out that the US was late arriving for both world wars,
and that we had already softened up the oppo. We could have won the American
war of independence if we had really been trying, and if our boys hadn't
insisted on wearing red coats which made them such easy targets. As for the
Spanish-American war, we imagine Spain could have won that too, but we can't
be certain as we have no idea when it took place or what they were fighting
about. (1) History books will also make it clear that Ulysses S Grant was a
drunk with an outrageous name who took an age to subdue numerically inferior
forces in the American civil war. Basically, count it as a win for the
South, which will (with a bit of assistance from fifth columnists funded by
MI6) rise again.
Film and TV
There will be a blanket boycott, except for films by the Coen Brothers, any
half-decent new movie by Quentin Tarantino, and anything with Billy Bob
Thornton. All references to the Oscars will be banned. Clearly, this will
mean newspapers will be very restricted in size, and many supplements will
disappear altogether, but these are difficult times and we must all make
sacrifices. No US TV will be permitted except the Simpsons, Sex and the
City, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Frasier and Friends. All repeats are
prohibited. Blockbusters is out of bounds while sanctions are in force.
T*m C***se
No mentions under any circumstances. This is punishable by five years in
prison or a fortnight spent watching Eyes Wide Shut, Mission Impossible (I
and II), Top Gun, Days of Thunder and Cocktail, whichever punishment is
deemed the worse. (2)
Music (pop)
White rap music will be banned. Yes, we know that means Eminem. And, yes,
we know that he has been compared to Shakespeare by some respected literary
figures. But in any war there are victims. Henceforth the only white
American rapper permitted is Vanilla Ice, precisely because he is rubbish.
Vanilla's collected works will helpfully confirm to us the complete and
utter worthlessness of US culture. English musicians will be discouraged
from singing in American accents. Large speakers will be put up along the
Mexican and Canadian borders which will broadcast the Clash's I'm So Bored
With The USA at regular intervals.
Music (classical)
No more John Adams operas will be produced, especially those staged by
Peter Sellers. So what if that means we won't hear Nixon in China or The
Death of Klinghoffer? We can sing-a-long with Harrison Birtwistle instead.
Barber's Adagio will also be banned, especially that dreadful dance music
version by William Orbit. This will mean long periods of silence on Classic
FM, but we all have our crosses to bear.
Expulsions
We are sorry that some innocent individuals will be caught up in this
imbroglio, but frankly you started this. When that rich bloke appointed
ambassador by Bush arrives, he should be detained on arrival, frisked at
Heathrow, Diana Ross-style and then sent back on an economy flight via New
Delhi. All US embassy staff above second secretary level will be expelled;
they're probably just spying on the Russians anyway. Ruby Wax, Paul
Gambaccini and Loyd Grossman will also have to go. Madonna can stay as long
as she can persuade Guy Ritchie to stop making gangster films (better still,
any films). Bob Kiley can definitely stay, ideally becoming mayor of London
and/or secretary of state for transport in 2003.
Withdrawals
All of the following will be asked to leave the US: Anthony Hopkins,
Michael Caine, Ridley Scott, Catherine Zeta Jones (and Michael Douglas if he
wants to leave), Tina Brown, Lisa Snowdon (3), Amanda de Cadenet,
Christopher Hitchens and Frank McCourt. Salman Rushdie will be asked to
speed up his move and make radio broadcasts on the awfulness of life in New
York. (4)
Apparel
Obviously, as the prime minister would say, we will no longer buy anything
from Gap, especially those shapeless blue tops that schoolchildren wear
instead of uniforms. Tommy Hilfiger is also banned, not that we could afford
any of his stuff anyway. Ditto DKNY, whoever they might be. All Calvin Klein
clothes are banned with the exception of underwear. Nike trainers are
permitted because they are made in the developing world, but people will be
encouraged to scrawl graffiti over the company's ads. We will insist on the
removal of the Union Jack from all Reebok trainers. Baseball caps may not be
worn, especially by prominent political figures. Anyone wearing them back to
front will be interned.
Coffee
It is probably too late to stage a boycott of US-style coffee bars as they
account for some 40% of British GDP, so we will need to employ guerrilla
tactics. When using Starbucks, refuse to say "tall", "grande", "vente", or
any of the other silly names. Say small, medium and large in a posh,
supercilious voice. If the pony-tailed assistant encourages you to have a
good day, push a full-fat blueberry muffin into his/her face. If newspapers
are available on the premises, spread the pages over the floor and all the
tables. Never under any circumstances buy in-store mugs, games or CDs.
Cars
Vehicles made by Ford and General Motors will be banned. That will have the
useful side effect of relieving traffic jams in the UK, showing what really
can be achieved to counter pollution.
Restitution
Obviously, we want London Bridge and the Queen Mary back. France insists on
the return of all Renoirs. The Netherlands is happy for the US to keep its
Van Go's, but it would definitely like its Van Goghs back. Germany says the
US can keep its paintings, but can no longer perform Wagner at the Met.
Britain will go to the UN to reclaim Virginia, which was never formally
ceded by George III and still belongs to the family of Lord Fairfax. We
might as well take Florida too, given that so many Brits go there on
holiday. (5) Disneyland will be dismantled and Mickey Mouse memorabilia sent
to the Taliban for safe-keeping. The US will also be banned from using our
copyrighted place names. New York, Boston, Birmingham (Alabama) and
Manchester (New Hampshire) must be erased from all maps, or there will be
real trouble.
Language
Nothing can henceforth be described as "cool". "Dude", "man" and "babe" are
also proscribed. Trick or treating will be banned. There can be no
references to Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July, or Superbowl. Anybody found
finishing sentences in the American manner, rising to an interrogative,
y'know?, will be subject to an on-the-spot fine. Grammatical redundancies
such as "like, you know" and "duh" (except when used by, or quoting, Homer
Simpson) will also be punishable. "Hoes" or "trim" must never be applied to
women. Hoes, as we all know, are garden implements and trim is something one
does to one's hedge on a Sunday afternoon.
Notes
(1) We think it had something to do with New Mexico, but invite
contributions to Corrections and Clarifications.
(2) Of course people will opt for prison, but it is important to provide
alternatives.
(3) George Clooney's girlfriend. Annoy George and you annoy America.
(4) It is important that no one tells Phil Collins about the policy of
selective withdrawal. It should also be said that Amanda de Cadenet was a
close call.
(5) Though there will be no official ban, Britons will be discouraged from
visiting the US for the duration of these sanctions. Anyone who does visit
will be expected to drive on the left.
Copyright Guardian Newspapers Limited
