Hi All,
I read an aggressive mail written by a depressed soul regarding his failed
relationship and that started a thought process in my brain.
There are many sites like manjam into the gay âmatchmakingâ business. The
guys (that includes me too) normally fill up most of the details like
height/weight, preferences et al. After having filled up very studiously, a few
of such profiles on different sites in the past, I changed my way of looking at
them. This made me smile a bit. Arenât all of them akin to the straight
matrimonial sites that we see?
Many guys mention n their profiles that they âare looking for LTRâ. They
systematically define their choice of a âright kind of a guyâ. Some of such
guys whom I have met (not for sex) have been waiting for years without any sex
life, to find âthe right guy to fall in love withâ. After a long and
fruitless wait, they often get desperate. In desperation, they end up falling
in for the guy who tries to offer his shoulder in compassion, and feel hurt and
deserted when the compassionate guy tells them âwe are just friendsâ. Then
some start wondering whether âcan gays be in a LTR?â Some even say âlife
would have been easier if I was not gayâ.
What is missing here?
I think we all use wrong definitions to explain and understand a gay LTR.
Most such definitions are based on our social atmosphere in the Indian
paradigm. In a typical straight relationship that we see, a guy meets a girl
(sometimes through the matrimonial sites), they fall in love and then get
married and settle for ever. Most straight guys are fathers by the time the
reach 29.
We can not apply the same measures to a gay LTR, since it is not a âguy
meets a girlâ story. The different methods of courtship, the social
implications, the legal aspect and the innate sense of insecurity that remains
at the back of the gay mind, all these things play an important role. This does
not appear in a straight relationship.
And this is the problem.
The ideas of the guys âlooking for LTRâ and their general expectations
from a LTR are all based on the definitions of the straight
relationships/weddings etc. Naturally there is bound to be a disappointment.
Then we get to read the mails of depression and a general hatred against all
gays including the writer himself.
This year I visited Stockholm and stayed with a Swedish friend who has lived
in India for 10 years. His comparison of different relationships is rather
humourous, AND generally true.
Straight relationship
A guy meets a girl (never mind how) and they date. Starting form their first
meeting, they exchange names, compare hobbies and interests, plan movies ad
shows, get introduced to each otherâs parents. Then after 2-3 months of
courtship probably have sex and after some more courtship for a few more
months, decide to get married (or vice versa) and settle down.
Lesbian relationship
The girls look at each other for 2-3 months. Then they speak about it with
their respective âbest palsâ (often girls). Then they start chatting with
each other, exchange names and other details. This goes on for another 2-3
months. The chatting details are often shared with their best pals. Then they
actually start dating and sharing more intimate details. They date for 2-3
months before getting into any sexual activity. And after that, they are
inseparable for ages.
Alternatively, they leave their love interest after dating and fall in love
with their best pals.
Gay relationship
The 2 guys meet at a sex shop/dark room/public toilet/gay clubs etc. and they
get into sexual activity. Then they decide to meet again for more sex and
exchange phone numbers. After a few such occasions, often within 4 weeks after
the first meeting, they share their true names and other personal details. Then
they start chatting and dating, and even go to the non-gay joints for some
meals. After a month of such activity, they realize that they are made for each
other and start living together.
Cheers
Shailesh
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