Not without my gay son

Published: Sunday, May 8, 2011, 2:23 IST 
By Malavika Velayanikal | Place: Mumbai | Agency: DNA 


"Truth is, in India, coming to terms with your son or daughter being gay is
tough. Nothing can prepare you for it, and most of us have almost never
imagined the possibility," says Mina Saran about her son Nishit telling her
that he was gay.

Nishit filmed the moment he told his mother. The 20-minute film, Summer In
My Veins has since helped countless young people come out about their
homosexuality to their parents.

Years later, Mina Saran lost her son to an accident, and later set up the
Nishit Saran Foundation, which offers support to parents, friends and
families of gay people, besides various other projects.
Unfortunately, sexuality is far from becoming a non-issue in our society.
Coming out of the closet is still tough. 

Parents and families of homosexuals need as much support as their children
to stand against the often oppressive norm of heterosexuality and accept
their children's choices. Awareness is rather slow to come, but with more
and more people talking about their experiences, and a few support groups
for parents, families are finding strength in numbers.

'Who'll stand by him?'
It's been five years since Padma Iyer's son, Harish, came out to her.
"Harish was always shy and introverted as a child, sort of afraid of the
world. I used to be worried about that. I could see something was bothering
him, but I couldn't understand what it was. When he came out to me, I must
admit that I was shocked. I thought he was confused," she recalls. "I asked
myself if it was my fault in some way. Where did I go wrong?"

Padma has come a long way after the initial shock. "My mother was
supportive, and that helped me stand by my son's choice," she says. Ever
since he came out, Harish has become more outspoken, and much more open with
the world, she adds.
Others in the family aren't as open though. "His father still hopes that
Harish will change. My younger son isn't taking it well either," she says,
adding that this worries her. "I often wonder, what will happen to Harish
after I die? He isn't close to his father or brother, so who will support
him when I'm gone?"

This is a nagging fear that others like her share. For Saramma William, this
has been the biggest worry since her 28-year-old daughter Princy told her
that she was a lesbian. They belong to a staunch Christian community from
Kerala, and homosexuality is considered unpardonable, says Saramma.

"We wanted her to get married, and that was when she finally told us she is
a lesbian. I did not believe her for a long time, until she told me she had
a girlfriend. Princy is my only daughter, and if I don't support her, who
will? Her father refuses to talk about it, and worries constantly about what
others would say if they came to know. I know they will ostracise her -
relatives, church, and our society. Princy tells me not to worry. She works
in Paris, and comes home rarely. But how can I stop worrying?" she asks.

For the last two years, Padma has been attending meets in Mumbai where
parents, families and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender
people come together. Here, each one tells their story. "We express and
share our feelings and concerns with other parents who are going through
similar experiences. We encourage each other to come to terms with their
son's or daughter's sexuality," Padma says.

Moms are more supportive
Most of those who attend these meets are mothers, she says. "I have only met
one or two fathers." Padma remembers an instance where a girl came out to
her parents. The mother refused to accept it, but the father supported his
daughter's choice. "That is unusual. It's usually mothers who are more
supportive," says Padma.

Even at the first such meet held in Bangalore last year, there was just one
father who attended. In order to protect the privacy of the participants, it
was a closed event. How to talk to the extended family and society,
pressures of marriage, safety and physical security of their children,
medical, personal, cultural opinions, and concerns about having or adopting
children were discussed at the meeting. Vinay Chandran of Swabhava Trust,
who facilitated the meet, says the group agreed to be part of a support
system for parents who wanted to understand what other parents of LGBT
people go through. He is planning to organise another such meeting soon.

"When we talk to other parents, we feel that we are not alone, and that
helps," Padma says. She accepts her son for who he is, and wants to help
other parents who are struggling with the emotional impact of having a son
or daughter come out to them. For them, Mina Saran says: ".our experience
with Nishit, from accepting his sexuality to then losing him, has taught us
what is most important about being a parent - that we love and accept our
children for who they are, and that their sexuality doesn't change the
person you have always known them to be. Knowing that they are safe with us
will help them through their own struggles in life, and even with their own
acceptance of who they are."

 

 

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