Dear Peter, Many thanks for the review.
A new version with your suggested changes is now online. See the diff available here: http://www.ietf.org/rfcdiff?url2=draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis-06. This version includes also the comments raised by SM here: http://www.ietf.org/mail-archive/web/ietf/current/msg77273.html. Cheers, Med >-----Message d'origine----- >De : Peter Yee [mailto:pe...@akayla.com] >Envoyé : samedi 9 mars 2013 09:14 >À : draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis....@tools.ietf.org >Cc : i...@ietf.org; gen-art@ietf.org >Objet : Gen-ART review of draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis-05 > >I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on >Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at ><http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq> > >Document: draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis-05 >Reviewer: Peter Yee >Review Date: Mar-08-2013 >IETF LC End Date: Mar-08-2013 >IESG Telechat date: TBD > >Summary: This draft is on the right track but has open issues, >described in > the review. [Ready with issues.] > >This draft catalogs and analyzes various means of supplying a host >identifier to a > >remote server when Carrier Grade NAT or similar host obscuring >technology >is in use. > >General: There were sentences in the draft that I could not >parse even in >the context >of surrounding text. That's primarily why I'm marking this draft as >"Ready with >issues". These sentences are supplied below. Mostly, the >document has a >fair number >of nits. The general concept is fine. > >General: hyphenate uses of "address sharing" when it used as >an adjective. > For >example, "address-sharing device". > >General: expand acronyms on first use except if they are >really well known >in >our community (e.g., TCP/IP) or where they appear in the abstract. >Examples of >acronyms in need of expansion are HIP, XFF, Š. > >General: You will probably want to resolve Internet Draft references to >something >more permanent. > >General: The term "broken" should be replaced with something >more specific >or useful. >I've made some suggestions below. > >Section 1, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: delete "an" before >"information". > >Section 1, 3rd paragraph: change "are" to "include". > >Section 1, 3rd paragraph: change "customers unsatisfaction" to "and >customers' dissatisfaction". > >Section 2, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete "an" before "extra". >Change "than" to >"beyond". > >Section 2, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: replace this sentence with "We >call this >information the HOST_ID." > >Section 2, 2nd paragraph: add a serial comma after >"subscriber". Serial >comma use in >the draft was inconsistent. > >Section 2, 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence: I'm not sure why the >HOST_ID and >public IP address would be "relatively" unique. Assuming that HOST_IDs >are unique amongst >the hosts hidden behind the public IP address and the public >IP address is >unique, >I would have thought that the combination was globally unique. My >confusion may arise >from the 4th sentence which is incomplete. Perhaps those two sentences >could be >rewritten for clarity. > >Section 2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change "put" to "conveyed". > >Section 2, 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "put" to "conveyed". > > >Section 3, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: considering using >"identifiability" instead of >"uniqueness". > >Section 3, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: replace "which" with "what". > >Section 3,1, 4th paragraph: add a comma after "re-write". Change >"re-write" to >"rewrite". > >Section 3.1, 5th paragraph: I don't quite follow what's being >said here. >Is the point that the address-sharing function should reveal the same >HOST_ID for any given host >regardless of what layer or mechanism that HOST_ID is being conveyed >across? How does >this relate to interference between HOST_IDs? > >Section 4.1.1, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: delete "an" before >"information". > >Section 4.1.1, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert ", there are" after >"hence". > >Section 4.1.1, 4th paragraph, consider replacing with: "Address-sharing >devices using >this solution would be required to indicate that out of band, possibly >using a special >DNS record." > >Section 4.1.2, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: add a comma after >"scenario". >Change "broken" to "ill-advised". > >Section 4.2.1, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: add "A " at the >beginning of >the sentence. > >Section 4.2.1, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: rewrite as "This IP option >allows the > conveyance of an IPv4 address, an IPv6 prefix, a GRE key, >an IPv6 Flow >Label, etc." > >Section 4.2.1, 2nd paragraph: insert "an" before "IP". > >Section 4.2.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: change "for" to "to". > >Section 4.2.2, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: use of the term "filter" in >this sentence >is not clear. Do you mean that that routes and middleboxes >remove the IP >options? Or >that they remove packets with IP options? Or that they take >other actions >based on the >presence of IP options? Please clarify. > >Section 4.2.2, 2nd paragraph: replace "As a" with "In". Define >"host-hint" somewhere. >Is it meant to be equivalent to HOST_ID? > >Section 4.3.1, 3rd sentence: change "their" to "its" both places in the >sentence. >Insert "or" before "subscriber". > >Section 4.3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "a" before "HOST_ID" > >Section 4.3.2, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: change "in host" to "on the >host". Insert >"the" before "address", and add a comma after "function". > >Section 4.3.2, 1st bullet item: this is the IETF. We don't need no >stinkin' OSI! :-) > >Section 4.3.2, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: replace the sentence with >"Moreover, an >updated version of [I-D.wing-nat-reveal-option] no longer >allows conveyance >of a full IP address as the HOST_ID is encoded in 16 bits." > >Section 4.3.2, 2nd bullet item, 1st sentence: delete the comma after >"limited". > >Section 4.3.2, 2nd bullet item, 4th sentence: delete the comma >after "ACK". > >Section 4.3.2, 2nd bullet item, 5th sentence: move "only" >before "allows". > Change >"to enclose" to "enclosing". > >Section 4.3.2, 3rd bullet item, 3rd sentence: the characterization of >HOST_ID as >leaked information seems pejorative. And how is a "communication leg" >defined? >Is this a standard term for communications between a CGN and a remote >server, or for >other backbone-carried communications? > >Section 4.3.2, 4th bullet item, append a comma after "particular". > >Section 4.3.2, 5th bullet item, 1st sentence: replace "to" with "the". >Change >"preserve" to "preservation of". > >Section 4.3.2, 5th bullet item, 3rd sentence: change "to reveal" to >"revealing". > >Section 4.4.1, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: move "not" before "to". >Change "at" to >"within". Change "which" to "that". > >Section 4.4.1, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "This" to "The". >Append "of the >conveyed information" after "format". > >Section 4.4.1, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: change "their" to "its". > >Section 4.4.1, 3rd paragraph: insert "the" before "X-Forwarded-For". > >Section 4.4.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: delete "the" >before "address". > >Section 4.4.2, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: specify by whom >the initiative >was launched. > >Section 4.4.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: append "who are" after >"Wikipedia". > >Section 4.4.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: would "transited" be more >appropriate than >"crossed"? Insert "the" before "Forwarded". > >Section 4.4.2, 6th paragraph: change "implementation" to >"implementations". And that >begs the question: implementations of what? Delete "some" before >"parsing". Insert >"an" before "XFF". > >Section 4.4.2, 7th paragraph: why is this "may be broken"? Either the >Forwarded header can be injected or it cannot. Under >encryption, the only >way I can see to insert the >header is if the encrypted TLS session is passing through a >man-in-the-middle proxy >that is spoofing both of ends of the communication in order to >be able to >transparently >decrypt the traffic. > >Section 4.5.1, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: insert "The" >before '"PROXY"'. > >Section 4.5.2, 1st paragraph, last sentence: change "raise" to "arise". >Append a >comma after "firewalls". > >Section 4.5.2, 2nd paragraph: change "broken" to "infeasible". Change >"can not" to "cannot". > >Section 4.6.1, 3rd paragraph: replace "do" with "are". Change >"require" >to "required". > >Section 4.6.1, 4th paragraph: insert "an" before "option". > >Section 4.6.2, 3rd paragraph: move "also" before "offering". I presume >the "IP connectivity services" are those being offered to the >host being >identified, but >that should be made clear in the text since the sentence is vague as to >which end >of the conversation is being reference. > >Section 4.7.1: delete "an" before "identity". > >Section 4.7.2, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "having" after "is". > >Section 4.7.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete "ported to be". > >Section 4.8, title: insert "of" after "Use". > >Section 4.8.1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: replace >"differentiating" with >"host-identifying". > >Section 4.8.2, 1st bullet item: insert "The" before "Address" and then >make "Address" >lower case. I'm not sure what this sentence is trying to tell >me, however. > >Section 4.8.2, 2nd bullet item: replace "an" with "that the". > >Section 4.8.2, 4th bullet item: delete "Some" before >"implementation" and >then >capitalize "implementations". Delete "to" before "delay" and >append "of" >after "delay". >Change "receiving" to "receipt of". Delete the comma after "Request". > >Section 4.8.2, 5th bullet item: delete "may" before "receive" and then >change "receive" >to "receives". > >Section 4.8.2, 8th bullet item: delete "a". > >Section 4.8.2, 9th bullet item, 2nd sentence: change the first "are" to >"is". Delete >"to be". > >Section 4.9.1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "the" >before "address". > Append a >comma after "IDENT". > >Section 4.9.1, 2nd paragraph, 4th sentence: change "16 bit" to >"16-bit". > >Section 4.9.2, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: change "Alternatives" to >"Alternative". >Change "mechanism" to "mechanisms". Change "design" to "designed". I >don't think you >want the list of other transport mechanisms to include TCP since you've >already said >that IDENT is specific to TCP. > >Section 4.9.2, 3rd bullet item, 1st sentence: insert "that" before "the >address". >Insert "the" before "IDENT". > >Section 4.9.2, 4th bullet item, 2nd sentence: change "This" to >"Such a". >Change >"deployable" to "feasible". Delete "heavy and" unless you >want to explain >what >heavy means. > >Section 4.9.2, 5th bullet item: delete "Some" and capitalize >"implementations". >Delete "to" before "delay" and append "of" after "delay". Change >"receiving" to >"receipt of". Delete the comma after "response". > >Section 4.9.2, 6th bullet item: delete "a". > >Section 4.9.2, 7th bullet item, 1st sentence: change "are" to "is". > >Section 4.9.2, 7th bullet item, 2nd sentence: change "even" to >"further". > >Section 4.9.2, 9th bullet item: change "non legitimate" to >"illegitimate". > >Section 5, 1st paragraph after the Table 1 caption: append a >comma after >"[Options]". >Insert ", and" before "ExtendTCP". > >Section 5, 2nd paragraph after the Table 1 caption: change "Address" to >"address". > >Section 5, 3rd paragraph after the Table 1 caption: change "to >establish" >to >"for establishing". > >Section 5, 4th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 3rd >sentence: change >"hold" to >"delay". Change "receiving" to "receipt of". > >Section 5, 4th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 4th >sentence: change >"at" to "on". > >Section 5, 5th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 3rd >sentence: change >"hold" to "delay". Change "receiving" >to "receipt of". Insert "the" before "IDENT". > >Section 5, 5th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 4th >sentence: change >"at" to "on". >Consider rewriting this sentence and the similar one in the previous >paragraph for even >greater clarity. > >Section 7, 3rd paragraph: insert "used" before "to convey". > >Section 8, 1st paragraph: append a comma after "Halpern". > >Section 8, 2nd paragraph: append a comma after "Wing". > >Section 8, 4th paragraph: change to "The privacy text was >provided by A. >Cooper." > > > _______________________________________________ Gen-art mailing list Gen-art@ietf.org https://www.ietf.org/mailman/listinfo/gen-art
