Cheers Dears
By Augusto Pinto
The Moindolli Brahmins
Dears,
I met Teofilus Dos Reis Magos Fernandes or Toff, the President of the Moira
Inter-cosmic Lampooner's Front [M.I.L.F.], outside the Moira Church where he
religiously goes to attend Mass every morning. He looked perturbed.
I said, "Hey Toff - what's up?" He looked at me agitatedly and said,"Gusto,
we have to act!" I said "Oh! Should M.I.L.F. put up a tiatro?" "No you fool,
haven't you read or seen on T.V. about what's been happening to minorities,
earlier to the Muslims in Gujarat, and now to the Christians in Orissa and
Karnataka?"
"Oh so you're talking about those Churches that were burnt and those
Christians who were killed? What's the big deal? Jesus said that if your
left cheek is slapped, you must stick your right one out to be kissed.
Anyway what do you propose to do about it?" Teofilus shot me a murderous
look but chose to ignore my crack. Instead he answered my last question. "We
have to convert."
I almost yelled at him,"Toff are you mad? As it is without any forcible
conversions taking place there is so much of mayhem - can you imagine the
hell if people actually start becoming Christians. And please don't tell me
that our Constitution guarantees the Right to Freedom of Religion."
"No you idiot, what I'm saying is that it is the Christians of Moira who
should convert!!" "Convert? Toff, Moira Christians should convert to what?"
Teofilus replied," To Hindutvaism." I began to gag at the conception of
arguably the greatest intellectual that Moira has ever produced. "But Toff,
what about about our culture and traditions? Wont they have to be
abandoned?" He replied,"Oh, we can always change. After all, as the history
books tell us at one time we Moidekars were all Saraswat Brahmins who came
from Bengal or somewhere before we were converted by the Portuguese."
"But will the Hindutvavadis accept us? And what about caste? Won't we need
to have a caste?" "Don't worry Gusto they will accept us. It'll be a
propoganda victory. And as regards caste, we'll call ourselves the Moindolli
Brahmins - you know, like in Moindolli bananas which is what they call the
superior Moira variety. And we will be special Brahmins - just as the
Saraswats say they are are fish fry-and chicken xacutin-eating Brahmins,
we'll say we are the pork sorpotel-and beef assado-eating Brahmins."
"But Toff we would need temples and bhats and so on, isn't it?" "Gusto,
we'll just paint the church and chapels saffron and call them temples. And
we'll call Our Lady as Mataji or something Then we'll make the parish priest
the Swamiji and all the other priests in the village as the bhatjis. And
we'll turn all the nuns into swaminis. The Masses can continue, but they
will be called Maha Pujas and the Holy Communion that is distributed will be
the Prasad."
My mind began to reel at what Toff was telling me but I recognised that
there was some perverse logic in what he was saying. "Okay Toff so what you
are saying is that we should convert to Hindutvaism and yet preserve the
life that we are leading right now. But what advantage will these strange
manoeuvres give us?"
Expert chess player that he is, Teofilus said,"Don't you get it Gusto. Once
we become Hindutvavadis then we can join the rampaging mobs and we can
finish off those who have not converted to our cause, and we can capture the
women and so on and so forth. It will be such fun, I tell you!"
I said,"And Toff after this what will happen? Won't we be arrested and
prosecuted for genocide?" "Don't worry Gusto, nothing will happen because by
then the government will be ours. Then we can take over the land and
property of the Christians who have fled. Do you know the rate land is going
for these days" With a smirk on his face Teofilus went his way.
Till next time then...
Cheers (ENDS)
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The above article appeared in the September 24, 2008 edition of the Herald,
Goa
