Interrogating Politicians and Exposing Them: A Primer by Vidyadhar Gadgil [EMAIL PROTECTED]
On one of my rare visits to Panjim, I bumped into old pal Cecil Pinto. At Bar Bevado, while he downed his customary caju feni and I, following my teetotal eccentricities, consumed cup after cup of tea, we caught up with recent events. Next thing I remember is waking up the next morning at home, with a throbbing headache. But, whether dream or nightmare -- blame it on too much thiamine -- I vaguely remember accompanying Cecil on one of his journalistic assignments. Anyway, over to Cecil and the report I hallucinated he was going to file: ---- The Goan media landscape had a seismic shock following the release and unprecedented success of a video interview titled 'Parrikar vs Parrikar', uploaded to Google Video (and subsequently aired on some Goan news-channels). For as much as twenty minutes, media-watchers at Cafe Prakash in Panjim stopped talking about the imminent entry of the TOI into Goa and only discussed this new efficient exploitation by the BJP of the brightest new medium for political statements -- the internet. I, your popular, fearless, maverick correspondent Cecil Pinto followed up on this story. I caught up with a beaming Rajan Parrikar (RP), the brain behind the project, at the Campal waterfront, where RP was clicking photos of workers engaged in their daily routines, presumably for his forthcoming photo-feature on the woes and miseries of the neglected working class and migrant labour in Goa, and the need to improve their lot. Basking in the glow of his recent success, he kindly agreed to share a few candid thoughts with me. Cecil: Rajanbab, tell us something about your recent production? R Parrikar: The internet is the new frontier for getting your message across -- we decided to exploit its potential. I spoke with the young, handsome, dynamic, visionary, secular, progressive [the other adjectives used by RP have been edited out due to limitations of space. Our newspaper has only 12 pages. Our apologies -- Editor] leader of the Goan masses, Manoharbab Parrikar. And Manoharbab's honesty, efficiency and all-inclusive vision for Goa shone through in every frame. The courage of the man is astonishing! Which other Goan or Indian or even global politician would dare submit to hours of searching examination on camera by a man who is his unofficial cheerleader and propaganda agent? Who else would have the vision to insist that the questions be submitted to him well in advance, and that he retain the right to decide which he would respond to? Cecil: What about all the allegations about his communalism? RP: He has convincingly rubbished them in the interview. Only Manoharbab and his fellow BJP members are truly secular, the rest are psuedo-secular communal harmony scumbags. He is also true to his convictions. Which other man would have the courage to stand by his first and greatest love, the RSS, and openly describe it as his 'church'? Manoharbab is a true proponent of Madhavbab Sadashivbab Golwalkar's vision, in which Hindus are the benevolent elder brothers and all others -- yes, even Muslims -- their younger siblings. That is his vision for Goans of all faiths. Cecil: That does sound like a true visionary. But what about people of non-Goan descent? RP: Cecilbab, our vision is truly all-inclusive. They are also more than welcome -- in their home states, to which they should return at the earliest. Cecil: But you didn't say this clearly in the interview? RP: We have developed a full-fledged mature media strategy. You have to pick and choose your audience and medium, and then plan your message accordingly. We efficiently used the popular internet forum, Goanet, to create a facade of participation, while retaining full control over the interview. In the interview itself I dispensed with my usual pithy descriptions of filthy ghanti, Delhi savages, the dirty stinking toilet called India, etc., which have become the stuff of legend in Goan cyberspace, and are in a sense my USP. This sacrifice, though painful, had to be made for the cause. Cecil: But there has been much criticism of the interview doing the rounds? RP: All sour grapes. Sonia Gandhi and the Po...cough, cough...sorry, where was I? Yes, Sonia Gandhi and the poverty-stricken (in a strictly ideological sense) Congress have instructed the Goa Congress to fund disgruntled ghanti Marxists, purveyors of communal harmony sleaze, and madrassawallahs to question everything. Sad to say, many of our Goan Catholic brethren and Goan Hindus -- this latter betrayal really hurts me -- whom they have managed to corrupt have joined them in this motivated propaganda. But the BJP/RSS represents the only true voice of the Hindus and all Goans, as Manoharbab convincingly demonstrates in the interview. Impressed and enlightened, I headed to the Congress office to elicit their reactions to this astonishing media coup by the BJP, but found it, as usual, totally deserted. I was therefore left with no resort but to rely on the informant Deep Throat, who has been our only source of information within the Congress for some months now. Half the ruling-combine ministers and MLAs are in Hotel Obscena-Luxury where they are conducting a closed-door auction, he told me. This time real-estate agents from the UK, the US and even Russia have arrived, as the plan is to put entire talukas on the block rather than continue our current inefficient piecemeal sale. Builders, hoteliers, and representatives of a wide variety of mafias are participating in the bidding. What greater proof do you need that India is integrating with the global economy in our new unipolar world? What about the remaining ministers and MLAs, I asked. Oh, they are engaged in drafting ordinances and amendments to the planning laws to undo the damage and financial losses (to themselves) caused by the roll-back of the Regional Plan and the SEZs. As for the CM, he had to rush to Delhi to receive personal instructions from Soniaji regarding the exact placement of the full-length portrait of Rahul Gandhi which will replace that obsolete bust of Mahatma Gandhi in his office. At the BJP office, when I requested a few words with the Leader of the Opposition (LOO), I was told to leave the full list of questions at the desk and that they would get back to us after a week and let us know which questions he would answer. I was also told to send a complete list of reporters along with their ideological affiliations, and they would send instructions regarding which reporter to send. When I asked where Mr Parrikar was, I was informed that he was at his residence, supervising some renovations to his LOO, which is being replaced by a CMK (CM's kodel). "He was really angry today; they could not find any niz Goenkars to do the work, so he has been forced to hire ghanti labour. See the pass amchem bhangarachem Goem has come to! But the architects are true sons of Goa -- the popular firm of Vishwa, Babu, Dhavli, and Sundry Opportunists Pvt Unltd." Meanwhile, in a press note, the producers of the hugely successful 'Parrikar vs Parrika' video have stated that the new frontier of adversarial interrogation that they have opened up has led to a barrage of enquiries from media conglomerates. They have already firmed up contracts to produce the interviews 'Babush Monserrate vs Tony Rodrigues' and 'Pratapsinh Rane vs Vishwajit Rane' for Goan channels. They are in negotiations with a Delhi-based national channel for producing 'Narendra Modi vs Babu Bajrangi' and 'Sonia Gandhi vs Rahul Gandhi'. Fox News has expressed keen interest in their proposals for 'George Bush vs Dick Cheney' and 'Osama bin Laden vs Ayman al-Zawahiri'. This breakthrough for the Goan media is considered an appropriate riposte to the TOI's nefarious plans to drive the Goan print media out of business. This is the intrepid Cecil Pinto reporting from Bar Bevado which is buzzing with rumours that the BJP will make caju feni available at cut-rate prices after they come to power. My future political choices thus sealed once and for all, I will henceforth eschew politics in my future columns and return to my usual more pressing subjects -- watch out for my new piece on micro-minis and their impact on the Goan psyche. Hic!