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SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA (August. 28)
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi
announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.
Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become
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===
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===
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stores.
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons
of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be
a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,
so he knocked on the door to clarify th
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A lady I know bought a new Lexus. Cost her a lot of money. Two days after
buying it, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam, let me explain" said the sales manager, "the audio system in
this car is completely automatic. All you n
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A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended
that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed,
she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doct
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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks
the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks in
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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings he
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How guys ruin a romantic evening
===
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Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked
you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now
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For sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton Video -
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANI
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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle
cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued wr
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I know all of my friends are very generous: Here's something you can do
to help!
Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never
before in our generation.
We have banded together to overcome tremendous
adversity.
We have weathered direct attacks o
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1. Marriage is not a word. Its a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelors Degree and the woman
gets her masters.
4. Marri
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A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal
Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were
liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but
wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep beer & peanuts
coming.
* Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're
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===
Chat now for FREE with singles from all over the world!
http://click.topica.com/caaasImb1dhsBb1uab8g/Volura
===
--
http://theMezz.com
subscribe
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
There, st. Peter says, we only have one rule here in heaven: dont step on
The ducks. They enter heaven and sure enough there are ducks all over the
Place. It is almost impossible not to
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A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat
silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for
your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin
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Nazi Cop
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes,
and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?"
He ignored me and
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a handyman and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. Ho
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A driver lost control of his vehicle and smashed into a tollbooth. He was
shocked when, within minutes, a repair crew arrived. They gathered the pieces
and spread white goo on them.
Soon, the tollbooth was as good as new. Incredulous, the driver asked what
they
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ON SALE NOW! Tiny Wireless Camera, ONLY $79.99
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A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankee fan were
all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of the sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The
mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia,
so for the t
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MAKE up to $6000 PER MONTH!
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She Was Soo Blonde...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign
here
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A WAR STORY
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer, and tells the
class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and
the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by
asking the first question:
"Will we ha
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Why English is Difficult to Learn...
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lea
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Sponsor a child today through Children International. Give
a desperately poor child hope for a brighter future. For
only $15 a month you can make a difference!
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WORK RULES
The first 10% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% requires
the other 90% of the time.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
If you can't get your work done in the fi
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If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth
$49.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1000.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not th
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were
carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband
arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"
She bundled him
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Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a
wonderful
time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and
stuck out
two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached
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This is long but funny if you a tech type
Requires Windows Media Player
http://homepage.mac.com/deadtroll2/.Movies/helldeskcable.wmv
Chat now for FREE with singles from all over the world!
==
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An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about
2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas state line. When the Deputy
asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was
a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson
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1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's
really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed
your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the m
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Subject: Men's Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male
side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
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State Mottos...
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't B
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This is not humor related - but I could not resist sending it to you all.
The following words were spoken by the late Red Skelton on his television program as
he related the story of his teacher, Mr. Laswell, who felt his students had come to
think of the Ple
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http://www.knology.net/~carlos/redneck.htm
.
Get a Home Loan Before Rates Go Up Again!
Fill out one form to receive up to 4 quotes! Fast & Easy!
Refinance, Home Equity, 2nd Mortgage,
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Do you smoke? Would you like to be eligible to win $2,000?
If you answered 'yes' to these questions, and are 21 or
older, Click here to enter the $2,000 Sweepstakes! Offer
subject to Official Rules.
h
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A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am
I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says.
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The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go
to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He
keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
"Your Holin
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Do you smoke? Would you like to be eligible to win $2,000?
If you answered 'yes' to these questions, and are 21 or
older, Click here to enter the $2,000 Sweepstakes! Offer
subject to Official Rules.
ht
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**GOOD STUFF TWICE AT MONTH AT HTTP://THEMEZZENGER.COM **
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had
saved all of his money and was a real miser when it
came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he
died, he said
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Last URL was http://theMezz.com/mojo
.
Do you smoke? Would you like to be eligible to win $2,000?
If you answered 'yes' to these questions, and are 21 or
older, Click here to enter t
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**GET A LITTLE MOJO IN YOUR BOX HTTP://THEMEZZ.COM?MOJO **
1. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
2. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroid's.
3. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.
4 . WHAT DO Y
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Someone sent these to me, pretty funny stuff..
Kid`s Prayers
==
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord`s Prayer. For
several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally,
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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman
arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she strippe
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Terroist in Millersville Pa.The FBI
issued a warning in today's Millersville, PA. newspaper that they suspect a
terrorist may be hiding in the Amish community near here. This photo
provided the first clue that triggered the
investigation:
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WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, yo
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can
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Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags-
And, please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray-
And, as for my belly, please take it away.
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A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to
find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead beast...
Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy answered, "Yes."
The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like
you kill a huge beast like th
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A while back I wrote an IT newsletter called theMezzenger, but it consumed too much
time and I took a few months off.
Thanks to the coolness of PERL scripts on my own site (which will do 80% of the work)
, the generous guys at freelists.org (which handles the dis
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-- How many
blondes
-- does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around
her.
==
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get the latest weather,
sports, and lif
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LOTTERY WINNER
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! For real? What should I pack, beach stuf
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A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to
his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told
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It was opening night at the Stanley Performing Arts Center and the Amazing Mezz was
topping the bill. People came from miles to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As
Mezz took the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or
three peopl
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http://www.morphmaster.com/ozzy.htm
Sponsor a child today through Children International. Give
a desperately poor child hope for a brighter future. For
only $15 a month you can make a differenc
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THE LITTLE FLY
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he
happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the
fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he
flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he dec
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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00
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Lorena bobbitt's sister was arrested in broken arrow, oklahoma for trying
to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several
years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as lorena. She missed the target and
stabbed her husband in the upper leg c
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The following is a service to the medical community as a warning on what you may
encounter when working with a redneck. After having their 11th child, an Alabama
couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his
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I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
sus
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A Two Year Marriage Degree...
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under
the assumption that men should be trained for marriage... A new two-year degree is
being offered at the University of Marriage that many of you sh
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You are all invited to get a little MOJO from theMezz
http://theMezz.com/mojo
HERE is a sample of a monthly MOJO
http://www.theMezz.com/news/archive/2002/04-01-2002.html
Norton System Works Pro
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*** Isn't this the truth ?
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
fo
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The Perfect Husband
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club
after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conv
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted
out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus. The man seated next to he
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FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who c
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him
for 10million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the
Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks y
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Read this to the end BEFORE you condemn me..
A sign recently observed at a Business Establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS
THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW
This sign was prominently displayed in the fro
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My monthly news letter lives again.
It consists of a handful of very short blurbs that describe an exception website, a
fantantic application or a useful tip. Pretty short but sweet.
It looks something like this:
http://theMezz.com/news/
If you are interested
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FAMOUS SEX QUOTES:
Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
Me neither."
Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experi
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A woman is just getting out of the shower when the
doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower
himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her
next-door neighb
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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newly-married
couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from sex for a four week period."
The couples agreed and came b
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How about a few Brain Teasers:
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first
is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the
third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which
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Pearly Gates
A man appears before the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a
gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I
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TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Wh
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MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute,
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This was too funny not to share with everyone...
http://www.wired.com/news/mac/0,2125,50820,00.html
Send the World's most popular eCards: birthdays, holidays,
and more. Send as many eCards
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Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Create your own tax cut! There are lots of hidden benefits
in the new tax c
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Osama bin Laden was kicking around some rubble left
over from the latest bombing, and found a copper jug
with a wax plug. He pried it loose and out popped a
female genie; "How may I serve you, Master?" she inquired.
Osama was not impressed. "Don't need anything f
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A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare.
The man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because
he dreamt that Auntie Sally had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Sally is
fine
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The Field Trip
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horseys.
When it was time to take the child
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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished,
but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman
says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This
must
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IT'S A GUY THING."
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
no chance at all of making it logical."
"I'M GOING FISHING."
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while
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Love, Lust Or Marriage?
LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.
LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room
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THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer v
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A man is driving down a road. A woman
is driving down the same road from the
opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans
out the window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window
and yells, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their
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ok listen up!
This gets http://theMezz.com funny site of the year award!
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/insane.html
SPEAKERS ON !
==
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Get the late
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the
silent treatment. The next week, the man realised that
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to
Sydney.
Not wanting to be the first to
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He Said She Said
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said ... Since I fi
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker
is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious
about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says,
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The Train Ride
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno
and Bo Derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through
a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton
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Where Enron learned economics:
A concrete-truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad
news. The
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A 75 YEAR OLD WOMAN WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR A CHECK UP. THE DOCTOR TOLD HER
SHE NEEDED MORE CARDIOVASCULAR ACTIVITY AND RECOMMENDED THAT SHE ENGAGE IN
SEXUAL ACTIVITY THREE TIMES A WEEK.
A BIT EMBARRASSED, SHE SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "PLEASE TELL MY HUSBAND."
THE
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