Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
18 important things learned about life from action adventure films:
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit
so
tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to
bed
with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are
physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only
won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next
day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they
will
adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she
will
fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private
investigator
is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies, we will become best friends.
10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to
my
father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect
for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children.
When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,'
which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).
12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy,
if
black. If I am Latino, the monster/villain will kill me halfway
through
the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a
beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who
will
gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and
gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or
game
of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will
then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a
sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and
ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask
when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never
do
those things either.
---------
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and
dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt
in
American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water,
but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
Grand
Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched
Abdul,
"white man sit on well."
-------
The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was
pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.
"All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your
room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite
answer."
Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I
think I have an idea now."
"I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that
any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the
father."
"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band
or the football team."
--------
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men.
For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in
an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the
upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn
mower racing.
Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of
deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
There would be no such words as ``wedgie'' and ``noogie.''
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations there would
be --I sincerely believe this -- virtually no military conflicts, and
when there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel
just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of
thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front,
followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the
dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the
exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this
particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective -- follow me
closely here -- is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular
body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too
small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that
fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting
about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size
printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a
man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A
man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his
label will proudly display this information, which is basically the
same thing as having a sign that says: ``Howdy! My bottom is the size
of a Federal Express truck!''
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for
clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her
particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her
primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore
when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as
``8'' or ``10.'' Don't ask me ``8'' or ``10'' of what; that question
has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman
was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8
outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She
can't! Her size is 8. So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and
unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting
patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store,
trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of
night-vision binoculars.
``Hi!'' he'll say, when his wife finds him. ``You know how sometimes
the electricity goes out at night and . . '
``Am I fat?'' she'll ask, cutting him off.
This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers
``yes,'' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if
he answers ``no,'' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING
BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the
husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because
guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and
they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come
out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and
join a UFO cult.
The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know
why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said
this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote:
``I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her
arms far apart) as long as they have a `6' on them.''
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called
``SIZE 2,'' in which all garments, including those that were
originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the
words ``SIZE 2.'' I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably
get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic
activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn
mower racing.
--------
Sister Mary & The Bet
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state
of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the
hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys
wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the
nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had
wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the
highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,
"What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
---
Babies
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
He said that she had.
So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on
time."
-----
DOG PROVERBS
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
-- Gene Hill
"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his
water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish
Proverb
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx.
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or
fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around
three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all
night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers." -- Unknown
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --
Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half
cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne
Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents
a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James
Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --
Edward Abbey
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make
it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of
his tail.." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as
the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --
Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are
his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true,
to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of
such devotion" -- Unknown
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and
your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the
better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where
they went." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great
Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are
nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita
Rudner
------------
A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race
on
the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their
peak
performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed.
The
management of the California company decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of
senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people
steering.
So the management of the California company hired a consulting company
and
paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many
people
were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors,
3
area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give
the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was
called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners
and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and
enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management
of
California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted
development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving
a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the
rest
of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.
--------
The Top 17 Least Watched Cable Channels
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
17> T&A&E
16> VHX - The Geriatric Porn Channel
15> C-Spam
14> ESPN222 -- All Interracial Intramural Sports with bad hair
13> E!Coli
12> ESPNC-17 -- 24-hour nude sports
11> The Chunnel Channel -- Live International Battle For
Rush Hour Supremacy!
10> ESPMS
9> The Naked MeterMaid & Construction Worker Channel
8> The Khartoum Network
7> That One Episode of Love American Style with Ruth Buzzi
and Sonny Bono Channel
6> Enema Cinema
5> Vatican After Dark
4> The Self-Discovery Channel -- with host, George Michaels
3> Ho Shopping Network
2> Dropaloadeon
and Top5's Number 1 Least Watched Cable Channel...
1> The Bitter Memories Channel
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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