Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes: During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." ------------ WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING The Center of Disease Control in Atlanta, GA announced today that the President has PROVEN that you CAN get sex from aides! But someone sent me this addendum: There has been an unconfirmed rumour surfacing that as part of their training, the President is teaching interns how to wrestle. First hold taught: a Full Willey Nelson -------- A customer in a Boston Irish pub goes up to another customer and says, "Excuse me, but where are you from?" "Why I'm from Ireland," comes the answer "No kidding? Why I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have a drink to Ireland." And so they do. Then the first customer asks, "And what city are you from?" "Why, I'm from Dublin." "You don't say. I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have a drink to Dublin." And so they do. Then the first customer asks, "And what school did you go to in Dublin?" "Why, I went to St Mary's." "It can't be! I went to St. Mary's, too! Let's have a drink to St. Mary's." And so they do. Then the first customer asks, "And what year did you graduate from St. Mary's?" "Why, I graduated in 1964." "This is incredible. I graduated in 1964, too. Let's have a drink to the Class of '64." And so they do. Another customer walks in to the bar and goes up to the bartender. "What's up, Mike?" he asks. "Oh, nothing unusual," says the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again. ------- Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize <Offensive to CEO's> 10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club. 9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator". 8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager. 7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz. 6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters. 5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort. 4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell. 3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are discontinued. 2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin). 1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company. ----------- How to Loose Weight Without Exercise Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 ----------- ACTUAL Warnings on labels from various countries: USA: An insect spray boasts "Kill all insects", but adds "Warning - harmful to bees." (Very thoughtful, that). SWEDEN: On the packaging of a chainsaw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands." BRITAIN: Marks & Spencer bread and butter pudding has a warning on the box bottom: "Take care - product will be hot after heating." >From Rowenta: "Do not iron clothes on body." From Boots (chain of pharmacies & manufacturer of pharmaceuticals), on a cough syrup for young children urges: "Do not drive car or operate machinery. Avoid alcoholic drinks." (This must be meant for *very* precocious kids). ITALY: Label on a cigarette lighter: "Do not light flame near the face." KOREA: On the box of a kitchen knife: "Warning - may be dangerous to children." (Translation difficulties might explain this one). ----------- The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope head-butted her. ----------- What State Mottos SHOULD Be: Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto RightHere! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot? --- Standing out from the competition... It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans... BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!! PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!! CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!! YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!! DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!! Suddenly the Ivy League's submission levels rose tenfold. (Hey, those Sesame Street viewers were pretty smart.) So many other schools realized they had to join the fray. Witness... VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you go out sound like fun? Do you enjoy being around rich blondes and finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to Vandy!!! M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! VIRGINIA: Hey kids! Do you like living in the past? How about pretending you're not a state school, but rather the southern Ivy League member? We've got 18,000 other people who do too! All our buildings are 18th century-vintage and in fact, we just let the slaves out last week!! COME TO VIRGINIA!!! BC: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your arse from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of de weed with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!! HOLY CROSS: Hey Boys and girls, we're not Boston, not Providence, heck we're not even Hartford. We're Worcester but we're close to some other real cities. SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Do you wish to be led by a racist student president? Do you like to be hit with Mercury-Laden snow from the third most polluted lake in the country? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? Would you mind awfully terribly if you will forever be linked to the Snapple lady and that Senator Alphonse D'Amato? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!! (Making the future happen tomorrow for lots and lots of dough.) WILLIAMS: Hey kids!! Do you like isolation? Having nothing to do and nowhere to go? How about being snowed in 9 months of the year with the same people for 4 years in a row? If feeding cows or dodging traffic for fun is your cup of tea then come to Williams College - located on scenic Route 2 in the middle of nowhere. CONNECTICUT COLLEGE: Do you like to drink? THEN COME TO CONN!!!! -- Two rules in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. 2. Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues