---------------------------------
[22] Editor's modem really is shagged
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
It turns out the editor wasn't just after a night out on the piss last night followed
by a long lie in. His modem really is shagged - we've seen the death certificate.
So news will not be gushing in your face with the usual youthful vigour to which
you've become accustomed. There should be a few more spurts this afternoon and
probably a splash around home time. Which is nice.
---------------------------------
[21] Reserves v Sunderland report
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
BDS ejaculates thus:
Utd came to Gigg lane to face a Sunderland side who were top of the league and had
only lost once all season - in fact on the 3 previous occasions Utd have faced
Sunderland, they have failed to win.
Superstar stared the game again and looked solid against a lively black cat side and
it must only be a matter of time before the enforced squad rotation system that Sir
Alex is fond of, favours a return to the first team for him....
With a pitch cut up due to rugby at the weekend and rain showers, the game hardly had
the slick passing or movement that would have been expected - in fact the heavy pitch
only took 18 minutes before it gained it's first casualty - the referee (a scouser),
who limped off with a hamstring strain - unconfirmed reports are of the dressing rooms
being raided by thieves - all players possessions were removed, except for Jonathan
Greenings lucky charm (on the basis that it is faulty).
According to Paddy Crerrand, the refs replacement is a Manchester lad and that he and
his family are ST holders at OT - the fact that decisions started going Utd's way were
purely coincidental.
Both teams were restricted to only two chances each in the first half and it ended 0:0
at half time.
The second half was slower as the pitch took its toll on the players - Utd played much
better as their 5 man midfield started to take control of a tired Sunderland - 51
minutes gone and Luke Chadwick dribbled between the final 2 black cat defenders and
from the edge of the box, slotted the ball past the keeper.
Greening continued to have the sort of game we are used to at first team level -
Wilson and Chadwick had several chances on goal, but only the Sunderland keeper (who
read the game well) stopped Utd from running away with the game with a series of fine
saves.
Final score 1.0 and Utd remain unbeaten at home this season.
Team :
Rachubka (weyhey no fatty), Pugh, Superstar, Michael Clegg, Wallwork,
Wilson, Chadwick, Greening, Cosgrove (Wood) , Stewart, Djordjic.
---------------------------------
[20] Butt on the Lge, the Cup & Europe too
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
"It's an old cliche, but we can only take one game at a time at the moment. We've got
a good lead in the table, but we can't take our foot of the pedal yet. We want to
destroy the League."
[Now you're talking.]
"Another Double would be brilliant, as would winning the Champions League again. But
the next game is the biggest thing at the moment, we just have to keep focussing on
that."
[Any sign of that scooter yet?]
---------------------------------
[19] Butt on Ham....
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
...mers
"The 4-1 win will not reflect on anything on Sunday. We got off to a flier against
them on New Years Day, but if that one hadn't gone in it could have been a different
story. We're still confident though. The first half was an exceptional performance
from the lads. I don't think West Ham knew what hit them."
"They are very resilient - tough to beat, with a good team spirit. But we're confident
of beating anyone at Old Trafford. They've got a good forward line with di Canio and
Kanoute, they're good players with a lot of ability on the ball. They work hard for
each other, and that comes through more than individuals."
---------------------------------
[18] Butt on Cup
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Nicky Butt:
"Everyone's the same at the club, we all look forward to the Cup. It's a different
atmosphere from League games, something special. It's hard to describe, but other
teams come out and play, it makes for a better spectacle for the fans, who seem more
up for it too. They'll have a lot of fans here, too, so the rivalry and singing make
for a good occasion."
---------------------------------
[17] Teddy wins GM Award
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
manutd.com reports:
Teddy was last night named the Greater Manchester Sports Personality of the Year 2000.
"To come out on top with an award like this is great."
In winning the prize, Teddy beat off competition from eleven other local sportsmen,
including his team-mates Fabien Barthez and Andy Cole. All had won monthly awards
during the past calendar year.
[What about Paolo Wanchope - one of the greatest players in the world?]
"I'm still feeling good and touch wood, hopefully I'll carry on that way. As long as I
feel fit and healthy, I can give it my best shot and see how long it goes on for."
"The highlight of my time has most definitely been the Treble. That's something which
will live with me forever. [Tell me about it]
"Travelling down Deansgate on the day after we won the Treble in Barcelona was just
awesome. Seeing all those fans turning out for us made it a momentous occasion, and it
really filled me up." [Stop it - I'm welling up now]
Another of United's elder statesmen was also honoured during the ceremony at the BBC's
Manchester studios. Former youth coach Eric Harrison was presented with the Sir Matt
Busby lifetime achievement award. [Well deserved]
---------------------------------
[16] On this day...
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
1788 The first consignment of convicts from England arrived in Australia, at Sydney
Cove. They sent Mark Bosnich back as revenge.
NEW FOOTBALL = OLD THEATRE
1907 "Foul language" caused a riot in the Abbey Theatre, Dublin, on the first night of
JM Synge's Playboy Of The Western World.
Also - we think you should know - influential muscial artiste Andrew Ridgeley is 38
today.
---------------------------------
[15] Thieving Scouse Hospitals
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Even the Doctors are at it on Merseydive.
It now turns out that not only were Alder Hey taking body parts from dead children
without permission. They were also actually removing parts from LIVING children and
SELLING them for CASH.
Alder Hey has admitted that Thymus glands were removed during complex heart surgery on
youngsters at Alder Hey Children's Hospital, Liverpool, and were given to a
pharmaceutical company in return for financial donations.
---------------------------------
[14] United superfan - ABU ammo
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Press Association has a story which will no doubt be devoured by the ABU hordes:
Soccer fan travels 500 miles to see games
Manchester United's top fan makes a 500-mile round trip for home games. Steve Stay,
who lives on the Isle of Wight, has been named the club's most loyal UK supporter.
Mr Stay, 41, gets up at six to travel to Old Trafford by car, ferry and coach.
He said: "As a United supporter you are completely spoiled - their stadium is second
to none."
He will be guest of honour at United's game with Arsenal next month.
---------------------------------
[13] Keegan wins bets damages
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Kevin Keegan has accepted "very substantial" High Court libel damages from the News of
the Screws.
The damages relate to an article which alleged he masterminded betting nights on the
eve of England matches.
[That is an outrageous suggestion for which the shower of bounders at The Screws
should be thrashed to within an inch of their lives]
---------------------------------
[12] Jaap yaps about fitness
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
"The FA Cup is as big a deal in Holland as it is in England, according to Jaap, and
now he's back to almost full fitness after a vital Achilles operation, nothing will
prevent him from lifting the old trophy for the second time in three years.
"I've played two Reserve games and two senior games, so I think I'm nearly match fit,
maybe just missing a couple of percent from the one hundred. It's good to be on the
pitch again and playing your games. It was quite frustrating to see the team running
out on the pitch and win their games and do well. During the week you're stuck in the
gym. I'm not
feeling sorry for myself, though. It's just something we needed to do. I knew a couple
of weeks before the operation what needed to be done, and that I'd be out for a while
so I got used to it."
"If I hadn't had the operation there was a risk that I could have snapped the Achilles
and would have been out for the rest of the season. The Achilles would be fine during
games, but for the two months before the operation it didn't settle down after the
warm-up. I had a chat with the doctor and we decided to have the op."
"There was a great feeling of relief in my first training session, where you can turn
and run and sprint without feeling any pain."
Astalavista.com
---------------------------------
[11] Jaap yaps about Di Canio etc.
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
The Jaapster was interviewed by MU Radio talking about the West Ham game.
Jaap's never been on the losing side in the FA Cup and he'll be kicking some Italian
Ass if Di Canio tries any little tricks.
"Di Canio is important for them - he's the playmaker and the man with the ideas. West
Ham may be struggling a little bit, but they've got good quality players, especially
up-front. They've performed very well in some games and not so well in others. It's
difficult to say which it will be on Sunday. We beat them in the League here, so
they'll probably do everything in their power to get through to the next stage of the
Cup."
[Yes - don't forget Stuart Psycho Pearce has set his whole hearted big hearted heart
on it]
---------------------------------
[10] Editor's excuses get worse than his jokes (almost)
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
The editor in chief of RN just keeps coming up with better one's. You'd think he would
just admit he wanted to go out on the piss and so could someone else cover his news
shift. But oh no - he makes up a complicated story about modem problems and can't
access the web etc.
Apparently he'll be round at the local computer shop getting a new modem first thing -
and then you'll be getting news pumped into you like you've never had before. So brace
yourself baby - you've been warned.
---------------------------------
[9] Becks - £2000 a night
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
And plenty of women would pay it no doubt. But this was for the pair of them. Mr & Mrs
Becks that is.
We hear that the Beckhams earned £2000 for their evening in Cannes last saturday. They
presented Anastacia with an award.
---------------------------------
[8] Stoor back for more
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Fredrik Stoor (HAMMARBY IF )is returning to United for a second trial.
The player's agent Anders Carlsson admitted that Fergie wants to have another look at
the youngster after injury prevented him from playing the last time he was here.
"United are still interested. Since Fredrik got injured last time and couldn't play a
match, the club want him to travel over again in three weeks time."
The 17-year-old is out of contract with the Stockholm club but the club are demanding
that they receive some form of compensation if they lose the player.
"We have told United that Hammarby should have compensation. Fredrik has played for
Hammarby his whole life and is keen for that to happen."
---------------------------------
[7] Down the pan with Kan Kan
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
As Andrei will only stay if the Silver Jubilee isn't marked with
relegation. That should get the locals behind him.
Spud-we-like says:
"It's certainly a consideration, it's got to be a consideration," he
admitted.
"Hopefully if we survive and he likes us then we can sit down and try
to sort things out for a longer period."
Only hopeful now are we Joe. Oh dear
"It's a qualified gamble (who mentioned gambling?) at this stage and
he was 32 this week," he said.
"I know him well and I could never quite understand some of the
things which have been printed about him. I always found him to be a
nice man.
"I've not seen him personally for months, although I do know he's a
fit player and I know what he can give us.
"He's a great professional, who works hard on the training ground,
and just loves playing.
"It was one of my biggest regrets at Goodison that I did not fight
harder to make him stay there longer. At 32 he will still be very
rapid and he's a powerful finisher. "
But when you give the final Dive, Dive, Dive command for the MCFC submarine - you'll
find he's already away in an inflatable rubber dinghy.
---------------------------------
[6] Boz Book Bashes Boss - Bollox
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Bosnich plans to spill beans on United nightmare
>From a Football365 Exclusive:
Football365 tells us that Bosnich is already in negotiations with a number of leading
publishers to produce a book which is unlikely to feature on Sir Alex Ferguson's
Christmas list. [Well it'll be a turkey ..]
Apparently Bosnich was obliged to sign a clause in his three-and-a-half year contract
with the Stamford Bridge outfit that prevents him from talking to any newspaper about
his infamously acrimonious relationship with the United boss. [Why would Chelsea be
bothered. Master Bates and Fergie are hardly best mates]. However, the deal does not
stop him writing a book about his torrid time with the Premiership champions. [So he
can't talk but he can write? Eh?]
While at United he kept a detailed diary of his ill-fated spell in Manchester [almost
like he was planning it all?] and is now looking to tell his side of the story. [Oh
yes - because he's kept his gob shut all along hasn't he? "I would rather suffer on my
feet than die on my knees" - or something like that].
The fact that Fergie didn't even turn up for Bosnich's press conference when he signed
was a bad omen. And there have always been rumours that he was Edwards signing rather
than Fergie's. Seemingly backed up when the great Taibi was sign soon afterwards. At
which point Bosnich saw his not inconsiderable arse for the first time.
And when Fabien was signed - it was not only his arse - he saw the whole of the moon.
Bosnich found himself relegated to third choice behind the Frenchman and Raimond van
der Gouw and it was only a matter of time before he left the club.
Football365, finish with an interesting one - that Bosnich was not a free transfer and
that United demanded £400,000 from the Rent Boys to secure his services.
---------------------------------
[5] Lara Croft actress says sex is the best work-out
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
The second of two items for our teenage male audience. I know none of the rest of us
are interested in this stuff so just skip to item [6] or [3] depending which way
you're going. I know I will.
(What are you doing still reading this?)When Angelina Jolie was shaping up for her
Tomb Raider role she ditched the gym for a more traditional way of keeping fit.
Before making the movie she was a real hound apparently:
"I smoked a lot, drank far too much, suffered from insomnia and like every other
normal person I know, I was imbalanced. I had to undergo a complete re-adjustment."
[You what?]
She also had to begin pumping iron, but admitted it was not her favourite form of
exercise.
"Having sex with my husband keeps me in much more shape," she revealed.
[Jesus - Where's that Mormon pamphlet for Young Men? STOP VOICES! STOP! SING: "What
a friend we have in Jesus...."]
---------------------------------
[4] Quarter of women have had lesbian fling
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
More for our teenage male audience - I don't even read this stuff - oh no:
Almost a quarter of women have had a sexual fling with another woman, according to a
new survey. Half of all women have also had sexual feelings towards a female friend
but haven't acted on it.
In men, they look for a sense of humour, being good in bed and a nice bottom, while
three-quarters said they don't have a problem with sex on the first date.
FHM magazine said its survey 'Will Men Ever Give Woman What They Want?' tries to give
men an insight into how women think.
It found the best way to win over a woman you meet for the first time is to buy her a
drink and chat normally but 11% of women say they prefer a brief chat and a direct
request for sex. [These are the one's I've met mostly]
Researchers found being good in bed is more important than a big bank balance.
Three-quarters of women said a sense of humour is the most important quality they look
for in a man.
Other qualities they like are kindness, honesty, fidelity and personal hygiene.
Women say they hate cheesy chat-up lines and men talking to women's breasts, passing
wind and going to sleep immediately after sex.
[I knew they'd blow it at the end - this survey is obviously bollocks]
---------------------------------
[3] Ruud boy
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Ruud Van Nistelroy now faces a comeback match predicted to be towards the end of the
month.
A Ruud man speaks:
"The knee's OK. It feels good, so I'll continue with my training schedule which has
another four weeks of this phase. When I finish that I'll be able to say more about
when I can play a game. I haven't had any personal contact with Manchester United. In
the beginning I did when I was injured but after that, none.
"I've followed them closely this season, looking at their results and television
highlights. My first priority is to come back to my level. Then we'll see what
happens. The move? It depends on the situation, but my feeling for Manchester United
is great. When I am physically fit and playing well, we'll see what happens."
---------------------------------
[2] United have saved the FA Cup
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
The MEN goes with a piece about how United's exceptional dominance of the league will
inevitably throw more attention onto the FA Cup where they feel others have more
chance.
Having previously been blamed for destroying it through our Brazilian excursion last
year of course. And other stuff too probably.
The third round saw alarming dips in some attendances around the country including a
drop of 12,000 at Maine Road on their average league gate and a 7,000 crowd to see the
televised all-Premiership Bradford City versus Middlesbrough match.
So it's our fault that attendances aren't as Massive as some people would have you
believe, and it's now up to us to save the competition from going down the drain.
Never crossed your minds that the reason the gates are so poor is that the tickets are
too fucking expensive you greedy twats (as Mother Teresa might say)?
And apparently the final nail in the coffin for the Cup this year has been the loss of
Wembley with the venue being moved to Cardiff. Are you taking the piss? How many Reds
actually enjoy going to Wembley - its a chore en route to collecting the silverware.
Cardiff will be top - I just hope we're there to enjoy it. I know I've booked my hotel
room already.
---------------------------------
[1] Royle wins a trophy!
---------------------------------
Posted Friday, January 26, 2001 by redend:
Don't worry - its not the end of the Silver Jubilee celebrations.
Its the Royle Family and its won the South Bank Show Best Comedy award. Caroline
Aherne, co-writer and star of the BBC sitcom, was presented with the award by Ken Dodd
at the ceremony.
---------------------------------
[37] MP celebrates true excellence - not
---------------------------------
Posted Thursday, January 25, 2001 by redend:
So an MP was speaking about United's phenomenal performance over the last decade. Was
he praising the level of excellence achieved and heaping adulation on us - Steve
Regrave arse licking style?
Err - No.
>From The MEN:
In the House of Commons yesterday, Jim Murphy warned that United’s domination of
the Premiership could turn it into a mirror image of the Scottish League where only
two teams have battled for the title since the 1960s.
The Scottish Professional Footballers Association spokesman addressed the House
claiming that a one-club power base would undermine the league and remove its
competitive edge.
The minister described the situation in the Scottish League as "not something to be
proud of" and "unhealthy". He also warned that the national team could also be
undermined. [A silver lining?]
---------------------------------
[36] M.E.N. Sports Personality of the Year Awards
---------------------------------
Posted Thursday, January 25, 2001 by redend:
Manchester Evening News:
SPORT'S superstars will tonight be at the BBC in Manchester for the glitzy MEN- GMR
Sports Personality of the Year Award that is hosted in association with the Variety
Club of Great Britain.
Up to four hundred guests will be at the charity fund raising event including
officials and players from Manchester United and City, top athletes, boxers,
Lancashire cricketers, Manchester Storm ice hockey players and Giants basketball stars
as well as representatives of both rugby codes.
Throughout last year a panel of judges headed by MEN Sports Editor Pete Spencer chose
the sporting personality who made the biggest impact each month. Our readers and GMR
listeners have since voted for the overall winner which will be announced tonight.
There is also a special BBC award for the best newcomer. TV presenter and MEN
columnist John Stapleton will host the star-studded event at the end of which the Sir
Matt Busby award for life time achievement will be presented.
