1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water
down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to
hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat
by simply using
the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock , will prevent you
from rolling over
and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the
toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it's inanimate and
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does,
use the duct tape.
If it's animate and moves then in barracks salute i, in the field
shoot it. If it doesn't move - paint it white!
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
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