INSPIRED BY IRAQI HANDOVER, BUSH HOLDS U.S. ELECTION FOUR MONTHS EARLY Element of Surprise Cited As Bush Romps to Victory
[by Andy Borowitz] Inspired by the early handover of sovereignty in Iraq, President George W. Bush employed the element of surprise once more last night, holding the U.S. presidential election four months early. The election, about which only top Bush administration officials were notified, went exceedingly well for the president, who carried all fifty states and garnered approximately one hundred percent of the vote. Mr. Bushâs victory speech, which he had originally scheduled for eleven P.M. last night, was at the last minute rescheduled to nine P.M., once again capitalizing on the element of surprise. In his speech, Mr. Bush admitted that he might have had a more difficult time getting reelected if the American people had actually been notified about the time and date of the voting, but added, âA winâs a win, right?â Mr. Bushâs second inauguration is slated to take place on January 20, 2005, but administration officials acknowledged that it could happen âat any time.â âFor all I know it has already happened,â one aide said. While the stealth presidential election seems to have cemented the Bush administrationâs reputation for secrecy, one aide said that some secrets were harder to keep than others: âFor example, everyone knows how Paul Wolfowitz gets his hair to look so great.â White House officials praised the performance of the controversial new Diebold electronic voting machines, which successfully tabulated final results from Florida before a single vote was cast.
