While I was sitting in a courtroom yesterday waiting for my case to come up, I heard the judge talking to a presumably unemployed woman. She felt that she was unjustifiably overcharged by the electricity corporation for power bills, and she would go broke if she did not pay the bills, but she would also go broke if she did not pay the bills. In the end, she got frustrated and exclaimed, "well I might as well go and work in the Red Light District", whereupon she walked off. I had to think of that, as I read an article on Dutch pornstar Kim Holland in a newspaper I'd kept from December.
"ENJOYMENT AND SELF-AWARENESS IS SOMETHING I WISH FOR OTHERS AS WELL" by Marjolein Schipper Holland seems to have had it with sex these days. Television directors no longer want to screen programmes with nudity, and in Amsterdam, once the most permissive European capital, pole-dancing in strip joints has even been prohibited. But at a moment when we're not just feeling the pinch in our wallets, but also have to dress warmly for the wintry weather, pornostar Kim Holland puts her foot in the door. She's an ex-Jehova witness, and she's used to doing that. Shivering slightly, Kim emerges in the doorway when I ring the bell. She looks attractive in her tight body suit, belly bared. On the other hand, a jersey would probably have been more comfortable given windspeed 9 outside. But okay, either you are pornstar, or you aren't. And she is. "No, pussy ! You are not allowed to go out, it is too wet", she admonishes her British short-haired feline pet, as it tries to slip out the door. She lives in an attractive Hague neighbourhood, where the neighbours nearly all have children's toys standing outside. A big difference in life-worlds, you might say, but it doesn't bother Kim, because Kim isn't bothered by anything much. "They probably know what I do here in the neighbourhood, but I have never had derogatory comments about it. There was a party in this area recently, and there was nobody who tried to avoid me, I just stood there happily, chatting with people. In one way or another, people always get a lot from me", she calls out cheerily from the kitchen where she is making a pot of coffee for us. Her house, which looks out over water, is colourfully and lushly decorated with velvet sofa's in purple and red, and silver-coloured cupboards stand beside them. Kim presents a biscuit with the coffee, and swings her long blond hair over her shoulders. "How nice to be interviewed by a woman", she exclaims, "I have never been interviewed by a woman, apart from a telephone question by Viva recently. But apart from that, I only get men sitting here." Right. Various male colleagues of mine got shiny eyes when they heard that Kim Holland was to be the subject of an interview story. Kim (not her real name) produces four to six porn films a year, together with her boyfriend, in which she acts herself, and also operates a number of Internet sites. She writes a weekly column, engages in porn journalism, is writing a book, and is the movings spirit in Club Live in Scheveningen, a nightclub where her friend, the pole dancing champion Denise Mulder, offers very populair courses in pole dancing. She became wellknown among the public through her participation in the VIP edition of the Big Brother TV show. Lim sees herself as an evangelist with a mission. It's not for nothing that she is writing a book at the moment about sexual self-confidence. But isn't that a bit like mustard after the meal, at the close of an era in which breasts just about rolled out of the TV screen, and nobody feels much shame anymore anyway ? "Of course not, because sex is still taboo. It's true, believe me. Just take a look at sex on TV: it was and still is aimed mostly at men. Now what would be an interesting erotic programme that couples could watch together, which gives helpful hints for their lovelife ? In those extreme pornfilms, you only really see the sexual mechanics. In the profession, we call it "handje-standje" - we meet, quick chat and whoopee, we're at it. That is why I only work with amateurs who think it is exciting to do it themselves, and who contact me themselves for jobs. I am not ashamed of my work, you know. I was in a television programme of Catherine's once. A professional porn actress on the show said, she could never watch the films herself. She had a bit of shame there anyway. But I do love watching my own films. I always say that if I really want to get excited, I get out one of my own tapes. I noticed in the studio that people appreciated that comment. You can say all sorts of things about me, but I am not hypocritical. I enjoy sex and I am honest about it." And other people should be too, Kim thinks. Because she had a time in her life when sex seemed like something that happened on another planet. When she was ten years old, her mother died. A few years later, she joined the Jehova's Witnesses. "That is not as strange as it seems, because if somebody promises you that you will see your mother again, then you might go for that idea, you really want to believe. But that was not the only thing. It was also a safe world with clear rules and prescriptions. If you do this, you are bad, and if you do that, you are good. Above all, it was an explanation, it was a very ordered lifestyle, and destiny was mapped out already. My father and brother were not happy about it, though. But when they saw I was happy, they accepted it. I think Dad also thought it would be safe for me. If your daughter is a Jehova's Witness, well then she is at least sheltered by an organisation that protects her ! In those days, I wasn't ashamed of anything either. At school and later in my job, I also just told people that I was a Jehovah's Witness, and people accepted it, although they were very surprised often. Ah, I was such a sweet and innocent girl back then, I had a teddybear necklace and everything, you know." Kim married when she was 18, to another member of the sect. Only when she was 21 and her father died unexpectedly, a crack emerged in her uncritical faith. "I had worked so hard for God, committed my whole life to it, and then I was suddenly hit by the death of my father. I loved him very much. It occurred to me then, that I was living an unreal life. That I had never really made my own choices, but had only followed my faith and my husband. Whereas you only really develop personality through making your own choices." She left the Jehovah's Witnesses, divorced, and was sick for a year."I had to come to my senses, and get my priorities in order. Of course I put an entire life behind me; when you leave the Jehova's witnesses, you do not exist anymore for them. Apart from my brother, who supported me through thick and thin, I had nobody anymore. But perhaps it was for the best. In that time, I realised that making my own choices, and directing my own life is what matters. That was a complete turnaround, compared to the life that I had before. I had the feeling that the life ahead of me was a blank, and that I had to fill it out myself. And I wanted to go and do something that would fit with me one-hundred percent. I discovered quickly that it had to be something to do with the erotic. I met my current boyfriend, and with him I discovered that I thought of sex as something self-evident. We looked at porn films together, and I thought they were mostly terrible. I said to Ruud, we can do a better job than that, and I grabbed the movie-camera. That is how it all started. I am an exhibitionist, of course, in one way or another. I do not have that taboo feeling: sex feels pretty innocent to me. What is dirty or wrong about it ? People who think that, have a problem themselves." She thinks the same way about people who think she is rancid. "That's their own block. I am very free and open in what I do, I enjoy what I do, I enjoy every day of my life. I am a very positively oriented, happy person. And a large part of that constructive energy I get from my sex life. That enjoyment, that self-awareness, is something I wish for others too. I see so many people who tie themselves in knots about their body and their sexuality. With my attitude, I can be amazed about the derogatory, negative culture which has emerged in Holland in recent years. Everybody is calling each other all sorts of nasty names. Maybe I am naive, but I think: why not be a bit friendlier to each other. Give a compliment, say to somebody they look nice, and you see people cheer up and smile. And surely that is much more pleasant." "There are so many single women these days. It's not so weird, if you look at their partner criteria: he has to earn lots, but also look after the children, he has to be goodlooking but shouldn't be a macho, he must be able to cook and be an animal in bed, etc. Surely nobody can answer to all of that ? You have to figure out what you think is really important in life, and make a choice." Kim herself has had a relationship with Ruud for eight years. "Sex with him is the best, but I can also have sex without love. I can separate the two. Then it is purely a question of lust, a question of insinct. It's not that I want to promote the separation of the two, that is something that everybody must decide for themselves. But people should use their instinct more, you have to be able to let yourself go, that is good for your relationship. Because, in the end, what makes a love relationship so unique ? It's the sex. And if you do little or nothing about it, then you get all sorts of tensions and frustrations, and the love goes downhill." Kim's 34 years old now, but she has no problem with it. "To the contrary, I feel better all the time. And I really mean that. It is not what you look like, but what you radiate. I see it also in the club, girls aged 19 looking a bit lost, whereas women who are 46 years old get a lot of attention. As regards myself, I get the impression that men are sometimes a bit scared of me. Perhaps they think: my God, Kim Hollland, imagine that I would land in bed with her, all the things she would expect of me. Maybe I radiate a bit too much confidence at times." Translated from De Telegraaf (Amsterdam), 27/12/2003, p. 17, 27.
