Bittersweet love
What is it that makes a woman stay in an unfulfilling relationship? Is it love or desperation? OMWA OMBARA finds out
By Omwa Ombara
A story is told of a man who went home late one night smelling of a woman's perfume. His wife created a fuss and there was a bitter exchange that night.
The man was so upset by what he saw as his wife's interference in his personal life that he packed his belongings and threatened to walk out on her. The woman went down on her knees in a panic, apologised for provoking him and begged him not to leave her.
The man reluctantly agreed but did not change his behaviour. He kept coming home late with tell tale signs of his infidelity. She dared not ask him any questions even though she was seething inside. She had to be the loving wife so she looked the other way.
There are women and men who adore or worship their spouses and will cling to them no matter how badly they are treated. More so, women. They do the lion's share of the caring, and loving always going out of their way to prove to relatives, friend and family that all is well yet deep inside they are hurting.
Such women work extra hard to please their spouses for fear that if they do not, the spouse might opt for another relationship, leaving them high and dry. The worshipped spouse does not reciprocate, shows no appreciation, misbehaves, mistreats and mishandles their partner safe in the knowledge that they hold all the cards. They believe that the spouse can never walk out.
So some women, for instance, continue living blindly with partners who are planning weddings with other girlfriends, and desperately show up at church on the material day with a troupe of children to stop the spouse's wedding. Weddings take a lot of time and planning, so how does it escape the worshipper's attention that the man with whom she shares a bed every night is wedding and she has no idea? Yet this kind of loving spouse is usually the last person to hear of the husband's wedding. Normally the worshipper has no self-pride nor esteem and will embarrass themselves in an effort to keep the disinterested spouse in their lives.
Take Juliet Kaberi*, for instance. Juliet has refused to believe that her ex-fiance Martin Otsyula* is wedding on Christmas day, and has gone and booked a room in the same hotel, where the couple will spend their honeymoon to spoil everything for them.
Even though her friends have tried to convince her to forget the man, Juliet insists on going ahead with her plan.
"Otsyula loves me. The other woman has just confused him with "madawa" (magic). When Otsyula sees me, he will leave her, I tell you."
Winnie Auma* has conceded to her partner's extreme indulgences in the name of love.
"My husband sometimes brings his women friends home at night. He then beats me up and forces me to sleep in the sitting-room.
When aksed why she does not leave him she feebly says:
"But I love him too much to do anything about it. It is a very painful experience. It has made me develop hypertension. Yet he is the only man I truly love."
Winnie says that whenever they go to social functions, her husband of three years is always reluctant to introduce her to other people. When he does so, he says she is his sister. When she found out and asked him why he did this, he had no plausible explanation. This left her confused but she decided not to pursue the matter because as she says "I did not want problems.'
"I love him dearly." says Winnie, shaking her head. "Sometimes when you love a man so much, you have no choice but to accept him with all his weaknesses."
A programmes co-ordinator with a local Non-Governmental Organisation, Nelly Mango* says that although she knows that her husband has an affair with her younger sister, she cannot confront him because she loves him very much. She also fears that if she asks him, "he might be very angry. He could leave me, and people will laugh at me.
Since Anne Njoki*, a former secretary tested HIV-positive early this year and was sacked by her employer, an NGO, on medical grounds, her husband Gichinga has made life almost unbearable for her.
"He moved out of the bedroom to a spare room and never comes upstairs".
Anne says she endures a lot of abuse from her spouse and his relatives especially her mother-in law who has moved into the house and cooks only for her son and grandchildren. She has asked Anne to pack up and leave her son's house. Anne is never served any food and is not allowed into the kitchen. Since she has no job and no money, she sometimes eats at the neighbour's house.
"I starve a lot. "Says Anne. "I know I have been faithful in my marriage and I still love my husband very much. Even if he mistreats me, I will not leave. I promised to love and cherish him for better and for worse.
Family counsellor Anne Mwakio says that marriage is a commitment and many women will want to hold on against all odds in the hope that the man may change for the better. Many women live under a harsh environment but cling to certain relationships because of the children and because they have no alternative, says Mwakio.
Such women, says Anne, have no emotional attachments to their relationships but hang in there for fear of destabilising their finances and for fear of social seclusion. Some have invested heavily in the relationship both emotionally and financially and starting from scratch is almost impossible. Others try to maintain a marital image for the sake of credibility. If one had told others that the husband was a very loving man, it is difficult to suddenly turn around and say he is bad so they end up living a lie.
Love does not exist in such cases because deep inside the women are hurting but put on a facade to impress relatives and friends.
Some parents are also very harsh and will not allow their daughters back home even when they are living in bondage. Some send their daughters back as soon as they come back home to them, making the husband feel he holds all the stakes.
Some women explain that they cannot leave because with one's children already attending very expensive schools plus comfortable lives, pulling out of the relationship would hurt interested parties. Even if one walked out, another woman will gladly walk in and enjoy the same facilities, so most women find it sensible to stay on.
The women do not love the men at all but are living in self denial because confronting the reality of their lives is too painful.
Mwakio says it takes a lot of courage and assertiveness for a woman to walk out of such an unfulfilling marriage.
But through counselling she can be guided on how such a relationship is useful to her and how to get in touch with the real world.
