Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Between now and the vernal
equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Taurus (April 20 -
May 20)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh.
Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least,
you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving
yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a
Prince Valiant comic strip.
Cancer (June 21 -
July 22)
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you
can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a
good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though
- I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when
I crouched and remained very still.
Virgo (August 23 -
September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion
in the sofa. Point the pointy end away
from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it
alone.
Libra (September 22
- October 22)
Today you will conclusively prove that despite what
most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels
around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by
the petunias.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's
starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that
says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to
it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on
pencil...
Sagittarius (November
22 - December 21)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today -
metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets
goodbye.
Capricorn (December
22 - January 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig.
That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large
diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that
you'll give me any credit, of
course. Ingrate!
Aquarius (January 21
- February 18)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice?
Wear a hat.
Pisces (February 19
- March 20)
If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth
fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
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