Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a
mystery and that's why so is mankind.
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Aries (March 21 -
April 19)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It
will make people worry.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long
time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar
and the whip.
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
Excellent day to sneak.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your
own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you
know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for
them.
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good
day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that
for tomorrow.
Virgo (August 23
- September 22)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you
put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the
smell out.
Libra (September
22 - October 22)
People around you are starting to look a bit
complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted _expression_ and carry a large ball of
aluminum foil.
Scorpio (October 23
- November 21)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will
approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and
say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war
between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to
avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll
find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
You will realize, today, that there's more than just
good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full."
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or
medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or
"shvontz" like the plague.
Pisces (February
19 - March 20)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when
you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
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The Daily Humorscope
Personal Humorscope
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