Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Thursday, September 25, 2003
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others
to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde
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Aries (March 21 -
April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will
eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try
to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy
candles that you see in gift stores. Try "Love" or
"Inspiration" for example. (Avoid "Death" or
"Decay.")
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark,
chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a
chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before
you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately,
nobody will be able to tell.
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
You've been getting tired of the same old
"look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet
people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!
Virgo (August 23
- September 22)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People
will point and laugh.
Libra (September
22 - October 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato
soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named
"Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe
him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.
Scorpio (October 23
- November 21)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining
today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who
you gonna call?
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to pretend to have various
infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is
often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Capricorn (December
22 - January 20)
Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start
working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be
successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried,
scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from
the tater tots, for your own good.
Pisces (February
19 - March 20)
You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk
today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a
weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty
typical day.
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[>>Charles<<]
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