Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Friday, September 26, 2003
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't
it." -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
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Aries (March 21 -
April 19)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to
the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four
Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way.
Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You
can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the
"International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
Today you will be up the creek, but you will
actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent
planning on your part.
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a
new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the
Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting
debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the
Carbuncle."
Virgo (August 23
- September 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Libra (September
22 - October 22)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to
the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no
matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch
what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's
just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit
and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline
chemical thingie.
Scorpio (October 23
- November 21)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving
insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking
in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it.
And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll
irritate yourself.
Pisces (February
19 - March 20)
It will turn out that all of your life up until now
was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old.
You will find this vaguely irritating.
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[>>Charles<<]
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