Subject: Out of the Office
I will be out of the office starting September 29,
2003 returning October 27,2003. I will be taking a
personal leave of absence.
My unit, The 1st Brigade of the Viola Volunteers of
the 2nd Battalion Vernon County Wisconsin Militia has
been mobilized in a mission that is of critical
importance to the economic well being of this country.
With the deployment of our armed forces to the
hostilities in the middle east,there have been
significant economic repercussions in cities and towns
all across this great country of ours.
The plight of bar owners, saloon keepers, and honky
tonk proprietors whose establishments are adjacent to
military bases has not been widely covered in the
media. These business owners have seen their incomes
plummet with the further deployment of the military
personnel, their primary customer base, as the war in
the middle east continues
We, the members of The 1st Brigade of the Viola
Volunteers of the 2nd Battalion Vernon County Militia,
feel it is our solemn duty to assist these businesses
in regaining their economic livelihood.
We will be embarking on an expedition to visit every
bar, tavern, supper club, saloon, gin mill, and honky
tonk that is in proximity to a military base. At each
of these places of business we will attempt to consume
as much beer, whiskey, schnapps, or brandy, as is
humanly possible to help these unfortunate business
owners maintain their standard of living.
Most of the funds for this expedition have been raised
through the use of "Toll Booths" strategically placed
on Wisconsin roads frequented by tourists from
Illinois and Minnesota. It should be noted that the
Illinois tourists never even questioned the need for a
$3.00 "toll" on a federally subsidized state or county
road. This must be the result of all those years of
conditioning by their own "Toll Authority", which
makes them willing to pay for the privilege of driving
on substandard roads that are perpetually under
construction.
We also raised funds at the Vernon, Crawford, and
Richland county fairs with our "Drown the Liberal"
dunking booth. It was heartwarming to see youngsters
and old folks alike lined up to throw baseballs at
liberal politicians imported from Madison and northern
Illinois for the event.
The expedition convoy will form up at Camp Liberty at
06:00 on Wednesday October 1st.
Camp Liberty, which is in Liberty Township,
Wisconsin, is also the site of the famous annual
"Uncle Andy's Male Bonding and Burnt Meat Weekendİ"
which is traditionally held each June.
The convoy will proceed to the outskirts of Camp McCoy
which is approximately two hours travel time from Camp
Liberty.
The 1st Brigade will perform two days of
"conditioning exercises" at specially chosen bars and
taverns near Camp McCoy. The conditioning exercises
will consist of consuming a different brand of locally
produced beer every half hour, while limiting the all
other caloric intake to one of four flavors of beef
jerky
that will be supplied Larry Dank, our Quartermaster.
After departing Camp McCoy, the convoy will take on
supplies of ice, beer, red meat, and pork rinds for
the trek to our next stop, Fort Benning Georgia, with
intermediate stops at West Point, the Naval Academy
at Annapolis, and Norfolk Naval Air Station.
Once we have replenished the coffers of the saloon
keepers in such wonderful Southern places as Opelika
and Auburn, we will make our way west to Fort Riley,
and Leavenworth, Kansas, and then on to various other
military installations and outposts across this great
country.
Hopefully in our own small way, we will make life just
a little bit better for the folks on the home front.
All the while, keeping the home fires and the acid
reflux burning, and supporting our boys in uniform.
God Bless America
S/Sgt Andrew Hollmer
1st Brigade of the Viola Volunteers
=====
I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't
rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about
not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best of it, without
knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.
--Gilda Radner
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