Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! | 
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