----- Original Message -----
Sent: Sunday, October 19, 2003 6:49
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Subject: [Sndbox] Arkansas and How it Got
That Way (revisited) C
Arkansas
and How it Got That Way (revisited) ©
Norman
Liebmann
Thursday September
18, 2003
Norman Liebmann is a former Television
writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin; wrote and produced Chico and the Man, and
created the characters for The Munsters). NOTE TO READERS: The following is a
humor and satire column. Some of the content may be explicit and reader
discretion is advised. Comments expressed are not those of NewsMax and
represent the author only.
The whitewash of the Clinton Whitewater crimes is now history, justice
having been given another Arkansas hysterectomy without benefit of anesthesia.
The process to permanently rescind Bill Clinton's license to malpractice
the law was aborted by a panel of hillbilly intriguers, yokel Machiavellis,
redneck wheeler-dealers, bumpkin finaglers, hayseed schemers, rustic
ax-grinders, provincial plotters, and spidery hick cabalists to whom this
obligation was entrusted, ending with a slap on the wrist, proving again,
there is no way to tell where in the state of Arkansas the Law ends and the
meadow muffins begin.
There comes now the candidacy of another rube chicaner - Wesley Clark -
which signals another imminent evacuation from the descending colon of the
Midwest which seems eager to inundate America with a second helping of
Arkansas’ Presidential diarrhea.
Who are these people in Arkansas and why are they unloading crooked
politicians on America?
Here is some background to help consider the source and may explain how
this came about:
Arkansas: An Indian word meaning trailer court
State emblem: A raccoon jimmying open an ATM machine
State Flower: The air freshener
State Bird: The used car salesman
State Tree: The stump
Nickname: The Carwash State
State Motto: Don't ask. Don't tell. Don't laugh
Anthem: Hail to the Thief
In 1836, a lone covered wagon heading West lost a wheel. After twenty
minutes stranded in the wilderness, the family members began to look good to
each other and founded Arkansas.
Arkansas has a land mass of 53,187 square miles, about half of which is
abandoned RV lots. It was admitted to the Union on June 15 but celebrates it
on the 9th. (The number 9 is significant because in Arkansas it is also the
age of consent.)
The capital is Little Rock, which the residents consider the most
cosmopolitan city in Arkansas because it has a church, a Chinese restaurant
and 450 bowling alleys. It also boasts the only McDonald's in the country that
serves Squirrel-on-a-Stick.
Arkansas' most famous son was the musical genius, Wolfgang Amadeus Walmart.
English is Arkansas' second language, pointing is its first. Once
considered the dumbest state in the union, Arkansas was dropped to the second
dumbest state after Massachusetts renewed Teddy Kennedy's driver's license.
Civilization rooted slowly in Arkansas. Its technology peaked with the
dripless candle and the doggie door. Present day inhabitants insist on
watering the parking meters and dial 911 when they need help rewinding the
garden hose.
At a recent International Trade Show, Arkansas introduced the designer
horse blanket and the user-friendly pencil. By the turn of the century they
hope to have a computer that runs on ethanol.
Arkansas is the only state in the Union in which swap meets are for
arranging marriages, understandable when you consider, in the last 17 Miss
Arkansas beauty contests, nobody won.
Once a month, the Sears Automotive Center offers a 10% discount to
Arkansans who need to rotate their socks.
Arkansas politicians believe a good education is important as long as it
doesn't get in the way of what you're trying to steal. Universities in
Arkansas have unique standards.
To obtain a doctorate, a student must write his own T-shirt. Arkansas'
prestigious Winnebago University graduates more lady lawyers than any college
in the nation. The women celebrate getting degrees from the law school by
shedding their skins.
The Arkansas mafia is heavily involved in illegal fishing and the selling
of controlled agricultural substances to local teenagers who are into snorting
corn. Still, Arkansas maintains a low crime rate by sending all its
politicians to Washington. A contributory factor is the slow pace of life in
the state. In Arkansas, only bank robbers will guarantee, in by ten - out by
four.
Arkansas politicians are exceptionally friendly. To shake hands with the
Governor you just have to reach into your own pocket. This native Arkansas
affability caused Bill Clinton to arrive late at his Presidential
inauguration, when he stopped to work the crowd and reset the odometers on his
motorcade.
A land developer and big time Democrat contributor who turned state's
evidence testified, had the Whitewater deal gone through as planned, the
Governor would have awarded him a contract to pave the Ho Chi Minh Trail and
re-route it through downtown Little Rock. The only way Chuck Colson can visit
all of Bill Clinton's former business partners is by flying over Arkansas in a
Piper Cub and buzzing the prisons one at a time.
If Charles Darwin has been around in 1836 the Galapagos Islands would be
America's 25th state and Arkansas would be the off-ramp to Jurassic Park. The
state of Arkansas proves Evolution doesn't include everybody.
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