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God Releases Behind-the-Ear Upgrade | |||
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Heaven - God announced the release of a new update today for the popular line of 'Human' software. The addition promises to add increased functionality to the obscure 'Behind the Ear' feature.
It is estimated that less than 5% of all Human users make frequent use of this feature. Also, in recent years, with pen and pencil use on the decline and the gradual phasing out of cigarette consumption, 'Behind the Ear' technology is on the verge of becoming obsolete. "For a long time," said God at the product announcement, "I struggled to understand why this practical function was being consistently underutilized. Then, in my infinite wisdom, I realized the weight and space limitations were too great to allow for true convenience. In this day of PDAs and mobile phones, users of Human need larger and tougher ears to contain these small but slightly heavier objects." "With this new improvement, Ear will now have tensile strength up to 5 times the previous version! Also, Ear will be extended another inch from HeadSide. This will increase the holdable weight ratios to an unprecedented level. Just imagine the possibilities!" said God as he began counting off on his fingers: "You can use it for your PDA, your cell phone, wallets, books, umbrellas, even pool sticks! All right behind the Ear! It's a revolution in convenience!" However, not all were in support of this development. The Association
for Human Aesthetics, an independent but influential organization, reacted
sharply to the announcement. "This 'whim' by the
"It's an embarrassing time for God right now," said expert Kim Drummond. "He is still working hard to improve His image after coming off the dismal failure of the 'Appendix' program, and He needs to show that His new ideas are viable. After all, in the past century, God has lost significant market share to top competitor Devil Inc. who, with their attractive 'buy now, pay later' pricing plan, have been successful in convincing users to switch to their increasingly popular Human alternative - DamnedHuman. The competition is 'heating up', no pun intended." |
God introduced 'Behind the Ear' back in Version 5.0.8. "This
latest development revolutionizes the Ear module," said God at the time.
"No longer will it serve as merely a tool for listening or jewel hanging.
The Ear, with HeadSide, will now allow temporary storage of lightweight,
thin items such as pencils, pens, and cigarettes. It will allow any user
of Human software to free up space commonly allocated to the Hand and
Pocket regions without significant slowing object retrieval times."________________________________
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