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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Saturday, November 1, 2003
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed,
malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've
discovered.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of
them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how
much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off
pickles.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today.
Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping
through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have
been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been
ok.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore
them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may
actually be a gopher.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it
will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named
"Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today.
Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work,
I'd think.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one
sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load
mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
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