December 4, 2003
The Top 12 Signs Your Classmates Are on Viagra
(Part II)
12> Certain boys are suddenly a bit easier to hit during
dodgeball.
11> The school bully now waits 30 minutes before beating them
senseless.
10> Someone has sullied the inkwells. Again.
9> They all recite the Manchester United team roster under
their breath whenever Jenny the hottie walks by.
8> Latest schoolyard taunt: "Look! Billy's riding a Nimbus 2000!"
7> The new exchange student from Beijing is harder than Chinese
arithmetic.
6> Report card "completes assignments" column comments change
from "unsatisfactory" to "Oh, God, yes!!!"
5> Now there's a second barrel sticking out from under the
trench coats.
4> For some reason, this weekend's detention will be served in
Mrs. Letourneau's apartment.
3> Restroom "sword fights" have resulted in two severed limbs
this week.
2> They're hot for the teacher -- even though she's 68 years old
and looks like a Halloween costume, what with the wart and
the lazy eye and all.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Classmates Are on Viagra...
1> There's a new and quite disturbing meaning to the phrase
"banging the erasers."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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"Pulled a Boner" and "School of Hard Knocks"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
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Selected from 103 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (5th #1)
John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- 2
Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 2
Mike Levy, Los Angeles, CA -- 3
Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 4
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 4 (Hall of Famer)
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 (Hall of Famer)
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 5, HM name (HoF)
Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 6 (Hall of Famer)
Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX -- 7
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 8
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 9, HM list name
Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 9
Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 10
Duncan Haberly, San Francisco, CA -- 11
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 12 (Hall of Famer)
Michael Wilson, East Bentleigh, VIC, Australia -- Topic
Pam Howell, Williston, FL -- Banner tag
Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- Runner Up list name
Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor
Rexton Rawlston Fernando Gordon, Jamaica -- Ambience Ambience explained:
http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am120403.shtml
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~~~~ The ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Links of the Day! ~~~~
Mr. Picassohead
Create your own abstract masterpiece.
http://www.mrpicassohead.com
Thanks to Ken (Mr. Fran) Fruit for the tip.
-=++=-
ASCII Movies
Who needs theaters? Save your hard-earned $8!
http://www.romanm.ch/ascii-movies.htm
Thanks to Phillip Garding for the tip.
-=++=-
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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--==++ Rumination of the Day ++==--
I love the challenge of my new job as greeter
at PetsMart. It takes lightning reflexes
to evaluate each guest in a split second
and decide whether I should sniff his or
her butt or roll over and pee on myself.
(Jeff Wilson/Debra Delegato)
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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--==++ TopFive's Comedy Cavalcade ++==--
Today: Current Events
Hollywood star Matt Damon claims his pal Ben Affleck never wants to see his
face on a magazine again, as the publicity he's attracted this year has made
him "sick of himself." That puts the number of Americans not sick of seeing
Ben Affleck's face on magazine covers at one, with the lone holdout being
Michael Jackson, who'd rather see Ben's face on a magazine than his own.
(James Floyd)
In other Jacko news, the King of Pop is rumored to have been in contact with
singing group Boyz II Men regarding possibly working together in the very
near future. Apparently, Jackson was under the impression they were a
take-out service.
(David Parrish)
In an effort to make things easier for pet owners traveling in Europe, the
European Commission proposed issuing wallet- sized passports for some pets.
Dog and cat owners would be required to carry their pets' passports when
traveling, while kangaroos would be expected to keep theirs in their
pouches.
(James Floyd)
Send Current Events submissions to: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
----------------------------------------------
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.
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Signs Your Classmates Are on Viagra
RUNNERS UP list -- Pulled a Boner
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Agents from Vivid Video are waiting in the career counselor's office.
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
During fencing class, you cry, "Touche!" but your embarrassed opponent
replies, "I never came anywhere near him, guv!"
(Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)
Every time one of them starts a conversation with a girl, he ends up with a
face full of pepper spray.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Mead now making "Trapper Keeper" chastity belts in your school colors.
(Duncan Haberly, San Francisco, CA)
One quick turn to the right and the lunch trays go flying.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Sure, middle-school boys often have inappropriate physical reactions -- but
not usually during the queen's Christmas speech.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)
They refuse to put down their notebooks -- and you're in gym class.
(Mike Levy, Los Angeles, CA)
Runner Up list name
(Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX)
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Signs Your Classmates Are on Viagra
HONORABLE MENTION list -- School of Hard Knocks
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After they have breakfast at your house, your boxes of Lucky Charms are
devoid of blue diamonds.
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
Coach doesn't need to ask if they're "up for the game."
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
It's not just the math that is hard.
(Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR)
Little Johnny can bench press 300 pounds -- without using his arms.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
None of them have guns, but they're all obviously happy to see you.
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)
(Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)
Since the cups no longer fit, the coach is forced to make an emergency run
to the 7-Eleven for a buttload of Big Gulps.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
That desk in the third row that used to wobble all the time?
Well, it no longer wobbles.
(Meg Silvern, Wiesbaden, Germany)
They wear their backpacks in the front.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Honorable Mention list name
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
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The Daily Probe (news satire) http://www.dailyprobe.com
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