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Twas The night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo.
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Christmas Arkansas Style
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the shack,
not a thing was a movin',
from the front to the back,
The kids were in bed,
I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers,
was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin',
up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch
howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin'
of weapons and guns,
for killin' God's creatures,
there's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine
dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons
of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry,
like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy,
down off the blocks.
Then in the yard,
such a noise did commence,
like something was caught,
in the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window,
and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' the racket,
was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa,
in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie,
our fair state he won't fail'er,
He married his cousin,
and they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course,
a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up,
to a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof,
with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
all dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches,
chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back,
he looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy,
from his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Light Beer",
there was no red hat,
his cap read,"John Deere".
He left all the presents,
with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
and into the night.
He ran into the yard,
and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
to get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim,
as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all ...A "bud lite"
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(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
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(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
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The Story of the Angel!
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready
for his
annual trip....but there were problems everywhere...four of the
elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule... then Mrs. Claus told Santa
that her Mom was coming to visit...this stressed Santa even
more
.when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out
heaven knows where...more STRESS!
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of
the boards
on the sleigh cracked and the bag of toys fell to the ground
and
scattered all the toys...so being frustrated Santa went into
the
house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found
that the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and there was nothing
there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor...he went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw that it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed all the way to
the
door...he opened the door and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree.... And then the little angel said...
"Santa where would you like to put this Christmas Tree"??
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came
to be on
top of the Christmas Tree...
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What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
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