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Twas the night before Christmas, And all around my hips, Were Fanny Mae candies, That sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored, In the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs, Would forget they were there. While Mama in her girdle, And I in chin straps, Had just settled down, To sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry, There arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed, To see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox, Then threw up the sash. The marshmellow look, Of the new fallen snow, Sent thoughts of a binge, To my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan santa, With eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy, So lucious and slick, I knew in a second, That I'd wind up sick. The sweet coated santa, Those sugared reindeer, I closed my eyes tightly, But still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman On weak one, on TOPS, A Weight Watcher dropout, From sugar detox. From the top of the scales, To the top of the hall, Now dash away pounds, Now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant, From my head to nightdress, My clothes were all bulging, From too much excess. My droll little mouth, And my round little belly, They shook when I laughed, Like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word, But went straight to my work, Ate all of the candy, Then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger, Beside my heartburn, I gave a quick nod, Toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, To the heavens I cry, If temptation's removed, I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again, As I turned in for the night, In the morning I'll starve, 'Till I take that first bite!" | |
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Charles Mims
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