Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Monday, December 15, 2003
"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'" -- Ronnie Shakes
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every
problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem,
just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground
pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I
always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing
field.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a
hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as
well...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start
talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your
meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely,
and look concerned.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make
you totally miserable.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared
to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic
destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow
involved.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will get together with several friends, and start an
extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have
your own secret handshake, of course.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own
life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media,
you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it
wasn't for them.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good
time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits,
though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see
me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting
and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is
that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this
"Globalization." Time to go on a diet!
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