Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Thursday, December 18, 2003
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Former U.S. President
Dwight D. Eisenhower
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Aries (March 21 -
April 19)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid
obstreperousness, however.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when
you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely
annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're
all dead.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say
anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely
relevant to your own situation.
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent,
rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely
thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.
Virgo (August 23
- September 22)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly
defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."
Libra (September
22 - October 22)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one
with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Scorpio (October 23
- November 21)
Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day
late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how
much easier that is?
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at
this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the
Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable."
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Today you will discover a really cool technique of
whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic
about your new talent.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing
too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too
far away.
Pisces (February
19 - March 20)
You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare
menacingly at your pharmacist.
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