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'Twas the night before Xmas' 'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the
coach Not a creature was stirring not even a
roach The socks were hung by the Kerosene
lamp [keeps'em off the ground so's they don't get
damp] Cletus and Lurlene were asleep on their
cots Dreamin' of NASCAR and the number one
slot Ma in her moo moo and I in my beer
hat Had just settled in for a quickie and a
nap When I heard quite a ruckus out there in the
park So I grabbed my shotgun and peered out in the
dark Then I opened the back door and outside I
snuck Crawling along side of my ol' pick up
truck. The moon on the RV next door was so
bright I took off my infrared and looked through my
sight And what did I see but a teeny, tiny li'l
sled And eight funny looking dogs with sticks stuck to their
heads In the sled was a hairy old man with a
gut I knew sure as shootin' he was some kinda
nut Then the dogs started yapping and he did the
same As he whistled, and shouted and called them by
name Now, Dashy and Dancer - Get off Prancer and
Vixen! Come on, Commie! Get Stupid! Out Yonder and
Ditzen! To the top of the trailer, to the top of the
awnin' Now y'all hurry up, cause its late and I'm
yawnin'! And as sure as Jack Daniels and Coke are a
pair I'll be damned if those dogs didn't take to the
air Up over the pull out-porch they
flew With a sack full of stuff and that ol'geezer
too And before I could spit, I heard 'em set
down Right there on the roof, twenty feet above
ground. I ran back in the coach to take a swig of my
hootch When this red suited fat man came right through my
roof He was dressed all in fur, like possum, I
guess He was dusty and dirty and had stepped in dog
mess With that dirty sack he had slung over his
shoulder He looked just like Uncle Jesse, if Uncle Jesse were
older. His eyes were all wrinkled, and he had a weak
jaw His cheeks were all puffed, like they was filled up with
chaw He had a face full of whiskers, just like Gabby
Hayes And he looked like he had just done an "all-you-can-eat
buffet"! He smoked a corn-cob pipe, just like grandma
had And I don't know what he was smokin', but it sure smelled
bad He was short as a stump and round in the
middle And when he laughed he shook like a pot full of
vittles He was bigger'n Earl's tractor and twice as
wide And I could see from that suit he had nothing to
hide He winked at me and I poked him in the
eye I said, "Back up there, fat man, I ain't that kinda
guy!" He went to the lamp where our stockins' were
hung And dropped a lump of coal in each and every
one Then he gave me the finger and called me a
name And jumped up to the roof, through the hole where he
came Then him and them dogs took off over the
pines But not before I fired at least three or four
times And as he steered his sled upwards, heading for the North
Pole He said, "Happy Christmas to
All.. Except you.." |
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