Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Saturday, January 3, 2004
"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to." -- Dorthy Parker |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't
going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your
vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium
Falcon." My passengers often become irritated at being called
"Chewie", though.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new
skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about
power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your
life.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with
someone who personifies "dour." The kind of person who never once
clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can.
If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery,
and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new
high-tech bag that "breathes." Or, in this case, wheezes.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet.
And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time
you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious
friends!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go
bowling.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult
will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you
can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly
hit anything that close with it).
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is
indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better
day to figure out which.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make
A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement
kite! |
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