Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Tuesday, January 6, 2004
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ
someone or forbid your children to do it.
Monta Crane |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with
it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet
program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either
Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right
between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery." Probably a
little of both, I'd guess.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling
in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age
of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!",
you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different
act) respectability.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn
today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the
effort some people put into a practical joke.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd,
because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place.
Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a
peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you
solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn
colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry,
though, it's probably nothing.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day
after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos
never get tired of 'em!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it
taste like chicken!"
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do
little actual damage, fortunately.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic
destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow
involved.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the
shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself
-- call in the professionals.
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