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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Wednesday, January 7, 2004
"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go
where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by
tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to
accompany yourself on the piano!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun
than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other
people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named
"Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now,
and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you
still can, is my advice.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by
pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the
table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet
7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for
not doing those outside chores today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember
the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone
eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk.
Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life.
The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these
days.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will dredge something up from the collective
unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back.
Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today,
while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured,
you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted
Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you
won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being
a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd
impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part
is true.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Once you're that far behind, there's really no way
to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can
tell them I told you it was ok.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a small flaw in your character.
Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a
few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled
with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.
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