Originally published on July 10, 2000
The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes
(Part I)
14> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy
buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from
the Russians."
13> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much
since the battle of Verdun."
12> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center
that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."
11> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."
10> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato
dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"
9> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly
decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."
8> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson
tried to recite the alphabet."
7> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55
and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."
6> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie
O'Donnell's house."
5> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less
attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that
only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining
1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after
you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and
weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for
a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"
4> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this
guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."
3> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding
tour of Cartagena."
2> "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle
at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dennis Miller
Monday Night Football Quote...
1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering
Vishnu's triplets!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
==================================================================
"Miller Low-Life" and "Not Ready for Prime Time"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
==================================================================
Selected from 139 submissions from 48 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX -- 1 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 2, 9
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 3, RU name (Hall of Famer)
Chris Irby, Dallas, TX -- 4
Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- 5
David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 (Hall of Famer)
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 7
Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 8, 11
Don Swain, Rochester Hills, MI -- 10
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 12 (Hall of Famer)
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13, HM name (Hall of Famer)
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 14
Mel Eperthener, Pittsburgh, PA -- Topic
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
Joe Jackson, Burton-upon-Trent, England -- Ambience -> Ambience
explanation: http://www.topfive.com/arcs/am071000.htm
==================================================================
~~~~ The http://www.Amused.com Too Much Fun Link of the Day! ~~~
News of the Weird
Chuck Shepherd somehow manages to dig up the most
bizarre news stories in this or any other universe.
http://www.newsoftheweird.com
==================================================================
--==++ Ruminations ++==--
Whenever someone at work asks "Can you do me a
favor?", I always reply with, "Does it involve
a feather duster and a tub of margarine?"
I already learned my lesson on that one.
(Dan Thompson)
I'm in favor of banning all tobacco
products. If the DEA's busy, they
won't bother with my greenhouse.
(Dan Thompson)
If I were a landlord and owned apartments at
the bottom of the ocean, I would be sure the
tenants' leases stipulated that they could
not sue me for water damage or shark bites.
(Gene Burrell)
-=+=--=+=-
BAD Rumination of the Day
(Submitted *as is* to the Ruminations list)
One day I was hiding in a clock and I saw this
guy sitting under a tree. Slowly one by one
ticks started crawling on him. Every time this
happened I would say "tick." Too bad the guy
thought it was just the clock huh?
(Wayland)
==================================================================
The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)
RUNNERS UP list -- Miller Low-Life
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Did you see that punt? That thing had less hang time than the Challenger!"
(Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA)
"Hey, Babe, as long as we have a little break in the action, I wonder if you
guys in the trailer can get a shot of me up here in the booth drinking my
bottled water and smoothing back my hair."
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
"Keyshawn's chances of hauling in that pass without stepping on the sideline
were about as likely as a midget from a Fellini film chugging a Super Big
Gulp and then not touching the side while attempting to take out the funny
bone for $100."
(Eric Roth, New York, NY)
"Letting Aikman run the ball on that play is like, uh, damn, where are my
writers?"
(Jim Griffith, Sunnyvale, CA)
"Plummer has taken more hits today than Anna Kournikova in a LA disco."
(Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)
"Sure, Michael Irvin is clean -- almost as clean as O.J.'s conscience."
(Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY)
"That play had a page boy's chances at a Spartan war tribunal."
(Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA)
"That ya-ya runs like the Scarlet Pimpernell at Pamplona."
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)
"The Cardinals are going down faster than Anna Nicole Smith on a Texas
Billionaire."
(Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ)
Runner Up list name
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Not Ready for Prime Time
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aikman couldn't have taken longer to choose his receiver if were Paris
judging the beauty of Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera."
(Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)
"He moves slower than an albino mule during the Peruvian Festival of Eternal
Spring."
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)
"He's gone deeper in the end zone than one of my multi-layered
subreferences."
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
"Here's a guy who was weaned on Jack Daniels, yet can't shake off a broken
wrist... I'm sure a few more trips to Dr. Feelgood and he'll be back to
pimp-slapping prostitutes in no time."
(LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA)
"Hey, Oppenheimer, smartest play I've seen since Shatner did 'Hamlet' at the
Orpheum in '87!"
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
"I can just see Deion Sanders in two years, exchanging pithy bon-mots with
Michael Irvin and Mark Chmura over daiquiris at Spago."
(Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN)
"I guess the salary cap prevents them from paying him enough to actually
*hold onto* the ball after catching it."
(LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA)
"I haven't seen a man go down that hard since a drunk Jimmy the Greek
announced the results of his own genome project."
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)
"If Bledsoe gets sacked one more time, he'll beat Madonna's record for most
time spent flat on his back."
(Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)
"No, you can't beat those Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, Dan...
although with the right accessories, you can sure give it the ol'
college try."
(Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA)
"That nervous rookie's eyes are bigger then those on a 10-year-old gymnast
who just tipped over a pommel horse onto Bela Karolyi's big toe."
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)
"Yo, Al -- do you guys ever fumigate this booth? That's either the biggest
bug I've ever seen or Cosell's toupee is here to provide color commentary."
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)
Honorable Mention list name
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
==================================================================
TOP5 -- The Home of Original Humor http://www.topfive.com
------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 5 List (original lists) [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Top5 Classic (greatest hits) [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Ruminations (odd thoughts) [EMAIL PROTECTED]
------------------------------------------------------------------
C L U B T O P 5
==================================================================
==================================================================
You are subscribed to clubtop5-list as: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To
unsubscribe, forward this message to
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
_______________________________________________
Sndbox mailing list
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
http://a8.mewebdns-a8.com/mailman/listinfo/sndbox_sandboxmail.net
