Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Thursday, January 15, 2004
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of
questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way
to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are.
Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little
rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings
seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret
clinging to their head.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody
loves a labyrinth.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out
their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue
around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day,
you might have been better prepared.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who
attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same
state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an
enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the
door.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will
become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a
prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile,
which is making a ticking sound.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Nobody will understand you today, and it will be
impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a
basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth"
will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless
you've paid.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you
today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less
likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years
ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up
with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Deny everything.
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[>>Charles<<]
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