It was recently discovered that research causes
cancer in rats.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in
the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start
imagining: What if there were no
civilization out there? No cities,
no factories, no people? And then I
think: No people or
factories? Then who made this
car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head
out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could
get struck on the head by a bolt. --
"Jack Handy"
Without geometry, life is pointless.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as
possible. -- George
Burns
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire
body, only 2 inches taller. --
Stephen Wright
If electricity comes from electrons... does
that mean that morality comes from morons?
-- unknown
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think
a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' -- "Jack Handy"
Texas has a lot of electrical votes. -- Yogi Berra
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth.
Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? -- Dick Clark
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a
frog. Few people are interested and
the frog dies of it. -- E. B. White
You should always go to other people's
funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours. -- Yogi
Berra
The post office says they're raising the price of
stamps... because they need to upgrade
their equipment. Apparently, they're
going from semi-automatics to Uzis. --
Conan O'Brien
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or
death.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have
to wait for it to age. -- Stephen
Wright
WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On
Whole System.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody
listens.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I
asked him about sex. He sort of
smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out
to the horse pasture and I'll show you.'
So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex. -- "Jack Handy"
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it
folded.
I once had a rose named after me and I
was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up
against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
David L.
A liberal is someone who feels a
great debt to his
fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with
your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy
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