I wonder how many others have received ... hostile private emails.
I have been involved in a few email lists like this one for several years. Once in a while, you get someone who can't keep a civil tone, either on the list, or in private, off list messages. Here are my suggestions for dealing with a person like that.
1. If the offending messages are on list, and the list is moderated, privately suggest to the list moderator that they should write to the offender and ask him to keep his postings civil, or he will be cut off from the list. Then, if offensive messages continue, the moderator should, in fact, cut the offender off. All modern list management programs allow the list owner to do this.
2. If the offending messages are off list, write an off list reply to the offender, stating calmly that you found their message hostile or offensive or whatever. It may be best to detail, calmly, what was offensive about the message. The offender may not realize how he is being offensive. A surprisingly large fraction of people are not raised to know what is civil language and what is not. Strictly avoid using hostile or inflammatory language in your reply. Go out of your way to be polite. This last is very important. If you can't reply in a civil fashion, then don't. You can't improve a conversation if you let uncivil language draw you into incivility yourself. Then, if the offender continues to be uncivil in private emails, use Tools, Message Filters, or what ever your email program offers (they all do), to set up a filter to send all of that person's emails to the trash automatically. The most effective punishment for a chronically uncivil person is to cut them off from conversation. If they can't control themselves, then just cut them off, just like you do with spam. Don't reply, don't complain, just cut them off. Email is actually a very recipient friendly medium in that regard. You can ignore messages you don't like. Use that power.
3. If a list continues to be plagued by incivility (I haven't seen a chronic problem like this on the Soaring list.), then unsubscribe. Find (or create) another that is better moderated. Poorly moderated lists usually die.
4. If a business person is uncivil:
a. If it is a large business, so that the person has a boss:
i. Reply politely to the uncivil person asking him to
be more civil.
ii. If i. has no effect, complain politely to the boss.
iii. If i. and ii. have no effect, never do business
with them again.
b. If the uncivil person is the top dog at that business.
i. Reply politely to the uncivil person asking him to
be more civil.
ii. If i. has no effect, never do business with them
again. Be a little careful in how you characterize
the business or person to others. Truth is always
an absolute defense against slander charges. If
you want to say that a business or person was uncivil
or untrustworthy in their dealings with you, keep a
record of the bad dealings, and never exaggerate the
extent of the unpleasantness. Stick strictly to the
facts. Do not embellish. If you can't do that, or
don't want to be bothered keeping a record of the
unpleasantness, then keep your mouth (or keyboard) tightly shut.
You don't want to end up in a legal dispute because
you said or wrote something unsupportable or untrue.
--
Mark Holm
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